you look brilliant,

this day, six months ago, i started dating the best man i've ever known. i remember sitting in church, thinking about him, realizing i couldn't leave the state without being his. and now, six months later, i've learned more and seen more than i ever knew. God is an incredible teacher; it's wonderful, truly awe-some when He uses someone so close to me, someone whom i love and admire and respect so deeply, to teach me the lessons which nobody else could.

also, i had the sweetest evening with my mom tonight. she took me to dinner at this cute restaurant over the way. it's in this old school house and we sat right by the fireplace and it was just adorable. and we had such good talks and some of my walls were brought down. and i'm seeing more and more that i need to be giving over to my incredibly caring Father and just let Him do it. He obviously knows and sees best, anyway. also, He taught me something about friends through my wise and beautiful mom. (speaking of which, i can't believe i have been so blessed to have one of the wisest, sweetest, most caring, gentle, and loving women as my own mother. God has made us a perfect match. i love her so deeply, and appreciate her beyond words.) maturity is what allows you to see outside of yourself... something i noticed last night, after i set down the Job commentary i am currently reading..... i began pondering Job's friends, the people closest to him, and i must say, they did not act at ALL how people close to a person suffering should act. one quote i wrote down from the commentary, 'one who is suffering cannot easily encourage himself' meaning, he needs his friends to! Job's friends were doing far from this; they were attacking him and his spirituality. so i thought about the closest friend to me besides my mom, and that is my loving boyfriend. Job would have been so jealous of the friendship i have with him, because Stephen understands and encourages me in my sorrow. i began to think, though. in a way, i am seeing that (i will speak generally, as to not hurt feelings) about eighty percent of my girlfriends are immature; they do not look outside of themselves. i began to think last night that if you asked any of my (again, eighty percent) girlfriends to tell you one thing about me, they wouldn't be able to. and this is because our conversations are never about me in a deep way; ever. and this may sound selfish, but once again, that is how this blog will sometimes be. these are my thoughts, my heart, my lessons from my Father. none (80 %) of my girlfriends understand the depths of my sorrow. and really, if you think about it, in order for someone to have left college because they could not deal with the pain and hardship of it all, wouldn't you wonder how they were doing? it's funny how missed you find out you really are when you leave a place; even a place where everyone acts like they care about you then and there. there might be a tinge of bitterness in my voice there, and i'm praying and begging for that to change, and really working on it. i know that most of the people i will encounter in my life... no, i am LEARNING that most of the people i will encounter in my life will never live up to how i expect them to. but, it's just nice to finally see who really does love me. (i'm also learning to be more positive.) so, on a brighter side, i know of two very very beautiful sisters in Christ whom i admire and look up to more than anyone else. they are selfless, determined, loving, caring, secure women of God. one is younger than me, and this brought me to tears tonight. it humbled me and revealed to me my selfishness, bitterness, and pride. they genuinely care about me, and not for any reasons at all but just because they know it's what our Father wants, and because they see and understand at least a small amount as to what i'm dealing with and they want to help make it a little easier. one i have never even truly met, but wow. she is my dear kindred spirit. i have never ever known someone like her and i know that the day we meet, whether on this side of heaven or that, i will just hug her and hold her, as she will me. (i can't wait till heaven.) also, my boyfriend has encouraged me to begin a prayer journal. one that is just mine, not focused on anyone else really but the things i want the Lord to deal with in me. and it's so awesome. i strongly strongly believe that prayer is the most powerful force in the universe, even more than gravity, but you would never see it by my life... and i'm willing that to change. today. thanks for being interested in my life enough to read this. if there's one thing that you could be praying for for me, it would definitely be gentleness. i have this strong urge to become very defensive with people, and i'm absolutely sick and tired of it. i'm ready to be transformed into a gentle woman of God... i actually want this more than anything. thank you again! He is good. He is better than i even allow myself to see right now.

excitement is pumping through my veins,

so, i'm going to go so far as to call myself a part of my boyfriend's youthgroup. i have only attended twice, but honestly, i feel so at home there and i agree with the teaching SO much and who cares if i'm twenty and out of highschool? this past sunday night was a whole night devoted to discussing (biblically) about Haiti and then spending a lot of time in prayer. and now i'm getting really excited because we were talking about setting up a benefit concert where 100% of the money would go straight to Haiti. and also i emailed Tom's shoes this morning asking them if they had a special movement where if you buy one pair, the other pair would for sure go to someone who needs them in Haiti. baaaaah this is big. something the youth pastor said sunday night was about how why couldn't this be sort of like an old testament happening with certain nations being "God's foot stool, and wash basin", just happening in 2010? it really got me thinking. not about anything in particular, it's just really been on my mind. anyway, it's also really gotten me to look outside of myself a lot and really consider my own suffering... and also, i've been really praying lately, as my pain daily gets worse and more frustrating, that i would have the attitude of Job. something the Lord brought to my attention as i was praying in the middle of the night last night was that in OT times, if you were sick, it was directly related to sin you had committed. somehow, though, Job knew this wasn't the case for him, although i'm sure it's something he dealt with, even on top of losing everything he had. i, though, have not lost my wonderful family, or my wonderful boyfriend. yes, some days i struggle with comparing myself to others who may even be living in sin, but have no trials like i do, and yes, some days i do question whether God really has His hand on all this and truly does love me, of course, i am HUMAN. but i am always, always reminded that i am blessed beyond my wildest dreams, even with the confusion and frustration and constant pain and sickness going on inside of me. this life is temporary, and these days where i suffer are barely even recognizable on the whole entire line of eternity. (PRAISE GOD! i will not remember the way i feel in a hundred years.) but then this forces me to want to do so much more for Him; my pain is a HUGE stumbling block. i spend whole mornings in bed, until eleven, just so i can be okay for the next twelve hours outside of bed. so i have my normal sin struggles, normal things life throws at me, ALONG WITH the awful pain that weighs me down. it is hard to have the attitude to get back up. He is growing me, His hand is not just on me, but His entire arms are holding me, rocking me back and forth, His smile is on me, reaching all the way to His eyes, just pouring His precious love all over me. He is just as sad as i am that i am going through this... no, i would say that He is even more sad. this is not what He wanted. He wanted me to live in a perfect world with no sin and no pain. unfortunately, we had other plans... i had other plans. so i guess, in a way, i did bring this upon myself like the OT says... i ate the fruit. i can't wait to spend eternity bowing at His perfect feet. i love Him. oh wow, i love Him. I CAAAAAN'T WAIT TO SEE HIM.


psalm 143; a beautiful psalm:

hear my prayer, O LORD,
give ear to my supplications!
answer me in Your faithfulness, in Your righteousness!
and do not enter into judgment with Your servant,
for in Your sight no man living is righteous.
for the enemy has persecuted my soul;
he has crushed my life to the ground;
he has made me dwell in dark places, like those who have long been dead.
Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
my heart is appalled within me.
i remember the days of old;
i meditate on all Your doings;
i muse on the work of Your hands.
i stretch out my hands to You;
my soul longs for You, as a parched land.
answer me quickly, O LORD, my spirit fails;
do not hide Your face from me,
or i will become like those who go down to the pit.
let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning;
for i trust in You;
teach me the way in which i should walk;
for to You i lift up my soul.
Deliver me, O LORD, from my enemies;
i take refuge in You.
teach me to do Your will,
for You are my God;
let Your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
for the sake of Your name, O LORD, revive me.
in Your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble.
and in Your lovingkindness, cut off my enemies
and destroy all those who afflict my soul,
for I am Your servant.


<3

in a world that is falling apart,

i have found my Hope.


so, my dad got on me today about not blogging since january third. the funny thing is? he knows without even realizing it the reasons that i blog. when i blog, it usually means i'm digging into the Lord and His word soo much that i just need to share it with the whole world... i've been lacking that lately. i've been struggling with failure, self-centeredness, lack of perspective, too much sensitivity, and discouragement in my health. but things are changing. i have missed church for the past four weeks now, and i'm tired of it. i woke up so sick this morning and i tried to push myself to get ready, and i made it halfway, and then i just felt so awful that i had to get back into bed. then i was in bed until around 4;30 pm today. but, an awesome thing is that i have gone to my sweet boyfriend's youthgroup the past two weeks in a row. (although i am no longer in highschool, nobody there knows that. heheh.) God is really teaching me about perspective. i would say that's the word of the day, or the week, but really, stephen and i both would venture to say that it is the entire word of our relationship. that's what it's been about since we began dating. if our dating relationship were a book, that's what it's title would be. but lately especially, stephen and i have been talking about it so much, and just in the past few days my perspective has been changing even more to learn that money is NOT something that needs to be fussed over. when God says to not let it become your god, He is talking about worshipping it and making it more important than anything in your life and everything you work for, yes, but i also think He wrote that to mean not to worry so much about it that it consumes you! which it has been doing to me. and along with that, perspective has been showing me to take life one day at a time. it is SUCH a beautiful thing and i think that if everyone began to do that, life would be more fun and much easier... and less about ourselves. that's what i'm seeing it to do, anyway. and the ironic thing? it's a daily thing i must be reminded of. i have a job interview tomorrow, at american eagle (my number one job choice) and i would loooove it and appreciate it SO much if you could pray for that for me. it would be an incredible opportunity to be out in the world, to get away from loneliness, to be moving and doing things, and earning some much-needed money. thank you! happy living. goodnight.


oh, listen to 'i'll always love you' by phil wickham. unbelievable song.

HALLELUJAH, THE BATTLE IS WON, LET THE CHURCHBELLS RING.
HALLELUJAH, SALVATION HAS COME, AND IT CAME FOR ME.

!!!

it's just a calamity,

every single day i am reminded how hard this life really is. and then what do i do? i let my emotions get involved and stressed, rather than doing something that matt thiessen so graciously reminds me to do: "when a nightmare finally does unfold, perspective is a lovely hand to hold." and OHHHH what truth. it's what my boyfriend always makes me think about, just in song lyric form. also, once i think of those words, i'm then reminded of my 2010 verse: "create in me a pure heart, O God", because purity covers all areas of life, i'm learning. even areas of anger or bitterness. purity knows nothing of bitterness. perspective; it's truly ALL about perspective. i get freaked out, let my emotions take hold, let my mind get all full of stress-fog, allow MY thoughts to take flight... but then, perspective changes EVERYTHING inside of me. it reminds me that the LORD is in control, that He has my BEST INTEREST in mind, that HE makes everything right, HE has hold of everything to make it just right and make it glorifying to Himself. that's what's important, anyway. but yah. so, the main point of this: life is hard, but perspective changes everything. how wonderful. HE is good. He is good and He is my therapy; He's the only one left here to listen.

so this is the new year,

and i DO feel different.
i've never felt this way about a new year before: like it's a new beginning, a fresh start, a blank page, a clean slate. it's incredible and my mom said something sweet tonight at our traditional new year's meal of pork and saurkraut, 'i love that God gives us a new year to start fresh.' i agree with her. i want 2010 to be so different. i want this year to be a year of purity (my year verse: 'create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.' psalm 51:10), a year of self-discipline, respect for others (especially my two wonderful, loving, dear parents), making effort with people and things, not being a sluggard. i'm very excited for this. the bad part i have to keep reminding myself of: i'm going to fail. it's my nature and i'm so imperfect so it's bound to happen, but i just really wish it WOULDN'T. the Lord has my wheel, and He is faithful. thank you, God, my Deliverer, for 2010!!! "another year in the body of Christ; the Bride of Christ. Mmm."

you and life remain beautiful,

what a life this is. throughout my school career, nobody ever taught me what this whole thing really is all about; and i know it wouldn't be a long shot to say that no one taught you either. but it's scary, it's big, it's overwhelming; every decision matters, every moment matters. i read something on a brother's blog just a few minutes ago that is completely outrageous yet has never crossed my mind before. he mentioned how he was standing at work and started thinking about that precise moment, and how he knew for a fact he wouldn't remember it or even care to thank about it in three weeks' time. how true that is. i don't even know where i'm going with this. i just know i've been crying a lot today over everything, and i'm about to cry now, because life is so huge and important and there's so much to fill our lives with yet how we fail to spend our time on anything but very unimportant things. relient k wrote a song called, 'more than useless' that i used to listen to, but recently heard and really listened to for the first time a few weeks ago, and it'e been haunting my thoughts every few days or so. it goes like this, "too late look, my date book is packed full of days that were empty and now gone. and i bet, that regret will prove to get me to improve in the long run. and sometimes i think that i'm not any good at all, and sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all." because it's exactly how i feel; i feel as though i'm doing nothing significant. i sit here at home, mostly day in and day out, reading, sitting on the computer, listening to music, praying, seeking the Lord and His Spirit in books and His word (not as much as i'd like, or could be, i will admit) and i feel as though I'm having NO impact on this world. but then, as the song goes on, even if i don't fully believe it to be true but absolutely KNOW it is, "but then You assure me: I'm a little more than useless, and when I think that I can't do this, You promise me that I'll get through this and do something right, do something right for once." because i mess up alot. and i mean A L O T. i say the wrong things, i make the wrong moves, wrong choices, i disrespect people, walk in sin and slavery rather than the freedom i possess, yet i'm still more than useless to Him; i was praying today and realized that, well not that i LIKE or ENJOY failing and being so awful and being so stuck in sin, but i mean... i'm happy it's where i am. because i am SO BEYOND excited to be delivered from it all; i'm SO excited to see the Lord work in a way that i used to be so scared to ask Him to work because i was afraid He wouldn't live up to what i asked Him, and then my faith would crumble. did i really think my HUGE, ENORMOUS God was not capable of doing bigger things than i could wrap my mind around? well, ya, i did. but not anymore, because He's teaching me. that's the biggest thing; that is how most of my time is being spent, and i know that HE is okay with that. in fact, right now, it's how He planned it. He's stretching me, and even though i don't see myself closer to being where i want to be, i know He is in charge of my growth. He is wrapped around my finger; not in a way that He's whipped; God could never ever ever be whipped. but He is so in love with me, He is itching to help me, to reveal who He is to me, to have a more intimate relationship with me. it's just me that's been stopping it. no more. He's far too beautiful to be treated like that. i wanna be free.

we are phrases on the pages of unknown,

till You read us into poetry and prose.


i love worship music. honestly, i used to have this really legalistic view of it, and i used to think like, 'why do i need worship music to get close to God? i should be able to do it without words written by other people.' but boy oh BOY was i close-minded. God has given us one another; the people whom He has gifted to write beautiful love songs to Himself is a gift to ME and can help me! i forget how He is sometimes, and often when i listen to worship music, He reminds me through the words of my brothers and sisters. i love it. i think it's unbelievable and SO awesome. worship music IS SO AWESOME. i guess i just wanted to post about that.

i want to love better. a lot better. and not because of me, but because of Him. i want the world to see Him. i don't want them to be able to say that they didn't seem Him in me. i want to be used immensely. i feel lonely tonight. i hate feeling lonely. it makes me feel so useless and like i'm going nowhere. and then i get really insecure. so there's me, Cara, raw, on a saturday night. another secret? i wish stephen got on facebook more. blughhhh. i need nothing and no one but my Father. oh but how ENCOURAGING it is to be with sisters talking about Him and His truth. anyway, this is a few random thoughts all thrown together. thanks for staying with me and reading these confusing, self-centered words.

pray for me, please. since i broke my toe, i can't go to the gym like i was, for my fibro. so my muscles and joints are aching. it felt so GOOD when i was going to walk all of the time. this is very very hard. also i started a new type of medicine that is probably working on my emotions and hormones as well.... God has me in His arms. i love that image, btw. i love imagining me just lying and resting in His perfection.
----------

in the morning, when i rise, give me Jesus.
give me Jesus, give me Jesus, you can have all this world, give me Jesus.
and when i am alone, oh when i am alone, give me Jesus.
give me Jesus, give me Jesus, you can have all this world, give me Jesus.
(sweet, sweet aromatic violin and piano music. oh how lovely.)
and when i come to die, oh when i come to die, give me Jesus.
give me Jesus, give me Jesus, you can have all this world,
you can have all this world, give me JESUS!