the marvelous flight of cara,

On Being a New Wife, P. 2

2012-01-27T09:13:00.001-08:00

I'm pretty sure I'm going to make this a new feature on my blog and run it each Friday. But what do I do? Do I share what's happened in the past week to make me a better wife than the week before? Or do I share what I like and don't like about it? I'll be feeling it out for a while until I dial in precisely what it should be.

This week has been a tough week for Dan and I both. The other night, I was really struggling with wondering where are we headed? My life has been spent waiting for the next step: in high school I was waiting for NTBI. Once I left NTBI, I was in community college headed for my degree. That changed, and I began dating Dan and moved to California. Dan and I got engaged, and then I got a job shortly after. Once we were engaged, I was planning and waiting for our wedding. Now that we're married and I have a job, I feel as though I'm just waiting for the weekend. I'm learning though, that this time is so precious. In a little while, we will look back and miss and covet this time.

Another thing: Dan and I both have been struggling a bit to work on our individual prayer life. Also, we're not in a consistent pattern of attending church together yet, as some Saturdays we get to bed too late and I'm too exhausted and in too much pain to go... but that needs to change. I need to be in community, especially with my husband. It'll be so healthy!

Dan lost his job this week, but it had nothing to do with him getting fired. The woman he worked for simply struggles as a leader and manager, and doesn't really know how to be either, making it miserable and difficult for Dan to do his job fully. Wednesday, all of that ended and now the Lord is refreshing his spirit. Also, we are really having to cut back on both big and small purchases, eating out, and even groceries. I'm dying to get a car of my own, as a big cargo van is difficult enough to drive, much less in southern California traffic. (I'm pretty sure the only requirement to get your license in this state is to have a pulse.) But I understand that right now is a time to hold back.

To be honest, I don't like living in a tiny apartment with only one car that I can't even drive, but let's look at the whole picture: we have food on the table for at least three meals a day, we have coffee brewing as soon as we wake up, we live four blocks from the beach, I have a job two blocks from our apartment, we have clean clothes and gas money, free internet, and we don't pay for water or electricity. We are so blessed! Oh, duh, AND we have EACH OTHER! God is so good, He is so good all of the time. He is my treasure.

Happy Friday! Enjoy your weekend.
Tomorrow, Dan and I have another wedding reception, mainly for Dan's church family, so that's exciting. And then Sunday we are going to his old church to be blessed in our marriage in front of the whole church. Excited to be Dan's wife. I love him so much.

Pictures from our honeymoon in San Diego.

sometimes, i...

2012-01-26T12:06:00.000-08:00

this morning at work.

sometimes...

it's hard for me to email people back right away.

i'm reminded of how much i love living in california whenever i walk down to the pier and see the gorgeous pacific ocean.

i feel self-conscious when i have to meet new people, especially much younger (think: junior high age) than myself.

i am mildly dishonest when i think i'm right.

i can't imagine a world without cute, sweet little puppies.

i'm surprised that i still miss community college. silly me!

i get a little too easily wrapped up in my iphone.

i indulge in guilty pleasures like watching episode after episode of glee, and eating out.

i wish all things in life were as warm and cozy as waking up to a snuggly husband in the mornings.

my life lately, summarized

2012-01-25T11:35:00.000-08:00

my skin has been awful lately.
does anyone use mac's pro longwear liquid foundation? i just want to know if it's hypoallergenic.

i have had three bad hair days in a row.

i have not cooked for my husband the past two weeknights;
instead, he has cooked for me because i've been so dang exhausted
(and because he just built our grill: he loves it).

fibromyalgia was trending on yahoo.com today and when i googled it, i found an article written just two days ago by a pain management and rehabilitation doctor for fibromyalgia specifically here in newport beach: just 20 minutes from me.

i got to drive back to the office this morning after dropping off my boss in long beach. i had tainted love playing with the windows down, and the sweet salty air flowing in.

today, dan had the talk with his boss and is no longer employed with state farm (that particular office, anyway) and is hot on the trail toward the opportunity God has waiting for him somewhere else, wherever that might be.
>>>so currently, i am the bread winner. which is shocking and i can't believe this came just three and a half weeks into our marriage, but God has known it's been coming all along and is using it for both mine and dan's relationship with Himself. i think when you get married, your prayer life should increase, but with the new responsibilities of marriage, it sort of gets forgotten. no longer, though. i'm going to make time for that which deserves my time.

why didn't anyone tell me that cake pops were much easier than i thought they were? i really thought you had to form the cake batter into balls and somehow bake them like that, when actually you bake the cake, crumble it, refrigerate it, mix it with frosting, and then form the balls. gosh darn it. so i'm making those today.

rainy rainy day in so cal,

2012-01-23T11:43:00.001-08:00

allllllllllll weekend long, we were told that it was supposed to rain. friday night it may have for a tiny bit, but saturday and sunday were spent soaking up the gorgeous sun. this weekend, dan built our grill, we did three or four loads of laundry, and we went on our first dress-up date since our honeymoon as a married couple!

we also had a small, casual date to taco surf friday night and spent less than $16. and you know what? i have officially decided that taco surf is my all-time favorite restaurant. i love walking in and right as i sit down, endless colorful tortilla chips are brought to me along with freshly made salsa. plus their baja fish tacos are to die for. aaah, so heavenly.

enjoying this rainy day by working late (till 5), cleaning up our apartment that just last night - was flooded with our tiny, broken toilet continuously overflowing - getting groceries, and probably grabbing some cheap take out from taco surf since we don't have very much food at home...

also, planning bday gifts for my best girly friends, and valentine's day stuff for my sweet man. xoxo

on being a new wife, p. 1

2012-01-20T15:52:00.000-08:00

wow! so i just realized that i have been married for almost three weeks (three week anniversary tomorrow!) and i haven't really blogged about marriage! where has my head been? probably so taken up by actually experiencing marriage, rather than blogging about it. but today is the day!

to be honest, my view of marriage has always been quite the opposite of our culture's view. i am extremely traditional, which i think is due to the fact that i learned everything i know about marriage from my parents and God, through His word. on top of that, recently in the last two years i have officially fallen in love with babies, childbirth, wife-hood: everything i believe that makes God's heart really happy when it comes to women and how He made us. i have wanted to be a wife for such a long time: i have wanted to serve a really good man, one that leads me to the cross of our Savior and one that loves me so deeply and unconditionally. now that i'm a wife, oh goodness, i love it so much.

i love having a reason to wash dishes daily, to cook dinner for another, to say 'no' to myself and say 'yes' to the man God set apart for me. there is so much sanctification, but so much beauty. before dan and i were married, i heard that besides all of the difficult and rewarding things you go through together, and the first year being the hardest, that it's just like a really awesome slumber party all of the time. i didn't believe it, because i was not eager to romanticize something that might not be accurate. but let me tell you, it really is like the longest and best sleepover over! also, i know i've only been married for three weeks so i don't have a ton of marriage experience or wisdom yet, but i have heard so many mixed things about the first year, and i don't want to believe any of them. the first year is going to be different than any other time of my life because i've never been married before but that doesn't mean i need to hear over and over that it's going to be hard. so what! we have the Lord, and He is our center, and we are actively chasing Him together. whatever our first year is together, it's already been written by Him.

my favorite thing about marriage so far, besides having such a hot babe come home from work to me every single day, is waking up beside him. he is so snuggly in the mornings and it's the cutest and most adorable thing on the planet.

thank You Jesus, i love being a wife!!!
help me to glorify YOU through this journey!

101 in 1,001,

2012-01-19T13:12:00.001-08:00

i have seen the alleged 101 in 1,001: a goal list, on a few different blogs and realized that it might be time for me to make my own. i really think goals are great, and setting them for yourself can really lift your spirits.

my 101 in 1,001
january 20, 2012 - october 17, 2014

travel,
01. walk the great wall of China.
02. take a road trip from southern california to western pa.
03. go on an alaskan cruise.
04. go to the UK.
05. visit the grand canyon.
06. go to vegas.
07. go up north to the sequoia forests.
08. ride the train down to san diego.
09. go to victoria, canada.
10. go up to napa valley for wine tasting.
11. visit every 50 states at least once, even in an airport. (21/50)
12. visit the town i was born in. (coral springs, fl)
13. take high tea in england.
14. watch the changing of the guard at buckingham palace.
15. visit the san diego zoo.

for others / friends,
16. send some fun mail to 5 friends. (0/5)
17. write at least one handwritten letter a month.
18. put together a Christmas shoebox a year for compassion child int'l.
19. join postcrossing and complete 5 postcards. (0/5)
20. volunteer with habitat for humanity.
21. get a family portrait taken each year.
22. send the portrait out as christmas cards.

with dan,
23. go to a shooting range.
24. move into a bigger apartment.
25. move into a house or condo.
26. get a puppy and name him christopher.
27. go on at least one date every two weeks.
28. color easter eggs.
29. go to the griffith observatory.
30. make a fort and sleep in it.
31. climb the mountains dan has already accomplished.
32. go sailing.
33. go horseback riding on catalina island.
34. go camping.
35. plant an herb garden here in so cal.

bettering myself,
36. reach my goal weight and stay there.
37. make a '1000 gifts' list.
38. take a yoga or pole dancing class.
39. go on a walk every day for a month. (0/30)
40. go a week without spending any money.
41. no fast food for a month. (0/30)
42. floss every night for a month. (0/30)
43. wean off of my anti-depressants.
44. get diagnosed, then find a cure.
45. increase my endurance
46. give up sugar.
47. eat alone at a fancy restaurant without my phone.
48. do a hairstyle-a-day challenge for a month. (0/30)
49. bake something new each month for a year. (0/12)
50. go a whole week without the internet. (0/7)
51. register to vote in the state of california.
52. pay off my school loans.
53. learn how to drive stick-shift.
54. cook and host a thanksgiving dinner.
55. mail a secret to postsecret.

reading / learning,
56. find and read every book written by c.s. lewis.
57. get a library card and use it.
58. read every jane austen book.
59. write a children's book.
60. purchase & complete a "wreck this journal."
61. take one or more poli-sci classes.
62. take one or more photography classes.
63. take the wilton cake decorating class at micheal's.
64. be fully informed and vote for someone i believe in.
65. compile my family tree.
66. take a dance class.
67. attend a high school reunion.

fun & adventure,
68. sky dive.
69. learn to surf.
70. crochet a grandma-square afghan.
71. see taylor swift in concert.
72. have a fashion swap party.
73. crash a wedding.
74. geocache 5 times. (0/5)
75. go ghost hunting.
76. sing karaoke in public.
77. go whale watching.
78. hike part of the appalachian trail.
79. get a second tattoo.
80. begin a weekly or monthly game night with friends.
81. get a pair of small, real diamond earrings.
82. be a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding.
83. watch the first 25 films from imdb's top 250 list.
84. be on jeopardy or the price is right.
85. spend the night on a boat.
86. play a whole game of par three golf.
87. buy a little black dress.
88. host a dinner party.
89. enjoy a day at the spa.
90. attend a live filming of a game or talk show.

crafts, the arts, & diy,
91. complete a 365 photo-a-day challenge. (18/365)
92. go to the opera.
93. make myself a piece of clothing.
94. see a show on broadway.
95. vlog once a month for a year. (0/12)
96. do an hour-a-day photo challenge.
97. refurbish an old piece of furniture.
98. make a coffee table book of my wedding photos.
99. learn to make tiramisu.
100. see cirque du soleil.
101. act in local theater.

shorty shorty,

2012-01-19T09:17:00.000-08:00

i got my hair cut last night, thanks to the following fresh and inspirational style ideas. i had been thinking about chopping it for a couple weeks, and am so glad i moved forward with it. one of my best friend's sisters is attending paul mitchell, the school in costa mesa so i went to see her. just twelve bucks a cut!

kendi everyday's hair stole my heart first.

and then i began investigating on pinterest.

and here's my finished product:

what do ya think?

nifty fifty,

2012-01-16T10:01:00.000-08:00

today is a cloudy day for making lists and writing letters.
here are 50 things about me!

1) i love navy blue.
2) i love the ocean.
3) i love my dad's grilled venison.
4) i'm afraid of the dark.
5) i have an inferiority complex.
6) my mom is my best friend.
7) i can't wait until the time is right to have babies.
8) i am inspired to do a natural water birth, when that time comes.
9) i can be very angry and defensive, but at least i know it.
10) i started my own house-cleaning business a year and a half ago in pa.
11) i got married on the last day of last year. (2011)
12) i love old movies. think: bing crosby, cary grant, etc.
13) i love snuggling in bed.
14) i've never seen the titanic.
15) i hate the dentist.
16) i've only broken two bones: my right and left fourth toe on each foot.
17) i can't eat gluten, and i really miss it.
18) i have an awful memory fog, thanks to fibromyalgia or hyperthyroidism, or whatever.
19) i hate living over 2,500 miles away from my parents.
20) i like the number 19.
21) my grandma died when i was 3, but i've been told i look just like her.
22) i am a cousin of barrack obama.
23) i'm 5'3" tall - a foot shorter than my husband.
24) i'm physically intolerant to the cold.
25) i love antique shops - i could spend hours in them.
26) i have had my ears gauged to a double zero for over a year.
27) my engagement ring is a near-twin to my momma's.
28) i'm literally 50% introverted and 50% extroverted.
29) my birthday is december 23.
30) i would much rather give gifts than receive them.
31) i have one older brother.
32) i love toms; i wore a pink bridal pair in my wedding.
33) i want to become a doula or a midwife one day.
34) i hate wearing bracelets.
35) the first and last car i ever owned was a toyota corolla; i miss it.
36) i took german in high school for two and a half years.
37) i love to sing; i'm a soprano 1.
38) i can't draw for my life.
39) i hate to run.
40) i went to bible school for three semesters in michigan.
41) i hate the smell of beer.
42) i hate exercising.
43) i love getting my makeup done.
44) if i could go anywhere in the world, it would be the uk.
45) i hate brussel sprouts and beets.
46) i love musicals, which is why i love glee.
47) the smell of pizza makes me really sick.
48) my husband calls me 'bugs.'
49) i met my husband on march 4, began dating him on april 4, told him i loved him on may 7, kissed him for the first time may 31, was engaged on july 7, and married to him on december 31. (4, 7, 31)
50) i have one tattoo and i love it so much.

always, sometimes, never.

2012-01-16T09:41:00.000-08:00

found this cute idea from danni at oh, hello friend.

i always,

will be dan howard's wife.
choose eating out over eating in.
will have an obsession with world war 2 and the holocaust.
use apple products.
choose God.
love getting personal snail mail.

i sometimes,
wish apparation and transfiguration (harry potter) were real.
forget to drink water throughout the day.
run myself ragged and need an entire day for just myself.
really hate the distance between southern ca and western pa.
don't like wearing shoes.
go to bed way later than i should.

i never,
have a full amount of energy.
choose chocolate over flowers.
want to drive in so cal traffic.
wish i was taller: i love being 5'3."
want to stop blogging.
spend more money than i have.

friday the 13th,

2012-01-13T09:02:00.000-08:00

i have been married for a grand total of thirteen days, and i got to wake up this morning cuddled so close to my gorgeous husband. last night was probably the very first night i really felt like we were married. it was the first night dan came home from work to me actually cooking (this awesome recipe), and we danced in the kitchen, and spent time running around our terribly tiny apartment giggling like little kids, and then had an incredible talk; i've never ever loved somebody so much as i love him today, even more than yesterday.

so here is a fun little group of questions for me to show you how much i know about him!

1. he is sitting in front of the tv, what is he watching? the pacific, band of brothers, or surfing.

2. you are out to eat, what kind of dressing does he get on his salad? blue cheese. blechhh.

3. whats one food he doesn’t like? bad coffee. i know that's not a food, but it's just how it is.

4. you go out to a bar, what does he order? scotch on the rocks.

5. where did he go to high school? pacifica hs.

6. what size shoe does he wear? 11 to 11 1/2.

7. if he were to collect anything, what would it be? ties, hands down.

8. what is his favorite sandwich? i think it's called something like the western burger, from carl's junior - with a ton of jalapenos.

9. what would he eat every day if he could? steak and potatoes.

10. what is his favorite cereal? cap'n crunch.

11. what would he never wear? baggy, loose jeans.

12. what is his favorite sports team? pittsburgh steeler's, thanks to me.

13. who will he vote for? that depends.

14. who is his best friend? besides me: jason, jeremy, and jeremy.

15. what is something you do that he wishes you wouldn’t do? get mad easily.

16. how many states has he lived in? one.

17. what is his heritage? irish, british, scottish, and a bit of german.

18. you bake him a cake for his birthday, what kind of cake is it? white cake with buttercream icing.

19. did he play sports in High School? he surfed; he's always surfed. he also played hockey at one point, baseball, and football.

20. what could he spend hours doing? snuggling me, shaping surfboards, chatting, and playing poker.

i hope you enjoyed getting to know a bit more about the man i love! it was fun for me to answer these questions. happy friday, and enjoy your weekend!

food, yummy food,

2012-01-11T10:59:00.000-08:00

i'm starting to hashtag everything, kinda like on twitter. i picked it up from one of my best friends, kate, who hashtags in text messages, and even sometimes in real-life conversation. it's so cute.
anyway, even though it's not friday, i wanted to do a fun fill in the blank post from lauren.

1. today for breakfast i ate: cheerios with sugar and a banana cut up on top, and peach activia. #healthyme

2. my go to/never fail recipe is: pork ribs in the crock pot with yummy bbq sauce, or meat-free chili - except it's been too long since i made either of those.

3. something i eat that other people think is weird is: ketchup on my eggs, or gummy bears in my ice cream.

4. my worst cooking disaster ever was: hmmm, i don't think i've had a terribly awful cooking disaster yet, but that very well may be because i don't cook that much. #shameonme

5. if i could only eat one flavor of ice cream the rest of my life it would be: cake batter ice cream from coldstone with gummy bears. #soyum

6. one food i hate and avoid at all costs is: beets, and anything cooked in or with rosemary.

7. my all-time favorite meal is: i have two: a petite fillet cooked medium rare from ruth's chris, with their incredible mashed potatoes, followed by their amazing creme brulee, or a whole lobster with garlic mashed potatoes, red lobster's chedder biscuits.
yum yum yum!

mondayne,

2012-01-09T10:26:00.000-08:00

my random seven,
thanks to carissa at lowercase letters! (link below.)

1. my eyesight is getting worse and worse, so today i broke out my glasses. from now on, i must wear them because i can hardly even read road signs from inside the car.

2. i'm thinking about cutting my hair. actually, seriously considering it and almost sold on it. something like this,

3. my wedding photographer texted me today informing me that tomorrow my photo cd will be in the mail on its way to dan and i! here's a sneak peek and one of the two that i've seen so far,

4. dan and i went to see war horse last night and it was two and a half hours long! it was pretty good, although the story was drawn out a bit and the ending was cheesy.

5. i'm going to be a lot more serious about a lot of things this year, especially friendships. phone calls, letters, and emails - here i come.

6. on our honeymoon, dan asked if i've ever considered pursuing photography because he thinks i have a natural eye for it. i would love to take a class or two on it. i know everyone is getting into photography these days, and i think i might be one of them!

7. i'm going to begin working on a scrapbook for mine and dan's honeymoon, and also a shutterfly photobook for our wedding. i'm so excited! i love shutterfly. i customized a 2012 calendar for our apartment, and i can't wait to get it up on the wall!

link up over on carissa's blog.

the magical mystery,

2012-01-08T14:32:00.000-08:00

as i've written many times before, i've been struggling with two major things in my life: possessing fibromyalgia or whatever-the-heck-it-actually-is and living farrrr far away from my parents and best friends. so, to help with this, my momma bought me a book called one thousand gifts by ann voskamp. it's pretty much this one woman-of-God's story about intentionally pursuing holy contentment and the joy of the Lord. because, let's face it, the grass is always greener and we're never fully happy with what we have.

a few pieces of the book (so far) that have really encouraged and clawed at my insides with love are these, and i would love to share them here:

"for forty long years, God's people daily eat manna - a substance whose name literally means 'what is it?' hungry, they choose to gather up that which is baffling. they fill on that which has no meaning. more than 14,600 days they take their daily nourishment from that which they don't comprehend. they find soul-filling in the inexplicable. they eat the mystery." (just like we are to take our daily nourishment from that which we don't understand: God the Father and His perfect grace.)

"facing the abandonment of God Himself (does it get any worse than this?), Jesus offers thanksgiving for even that which will break Him and crush Him and wound Him and yield a bounty of joy. the mystery always contains more mysteries."

"our salvation in Christ is real, yet the completeness of that salvation is not fully realized in life until the life realizes the need to give thanks... eucharisteo is elemental to living the saved life."

a quote that she used to express how we shall grow in thanksfulness, by jean pierre de caussade: "when one is thirsty one quenches one's thirst by drinking, not by reading books which treat of this condition." if we are dying of thirst, passively reading books about water quenches little; the only way to quench the parched mouth is to close the book and dip the hand into water and bring it to the lips. if we thirst, we'll have to drink. i would have to do something."

the main, magical, supernatural point of all of this, shared by paul in phillippians 4:11-12, i have learned how to be content with whatever i have... i have learned the secret of living in every situation... what must i do? i must learn eucharisteo, or thankfulness, learn to live it fully. "learn it like i know my own skin, my face, the words on the end of my tongue. like i know my own name. learn how to be thankful - whether empty or full."

'a nail is driven out by another nail; habit is overcome by habit.' (erasmus) i must intentionally pursue change and habit in my life, and practice it. "practice until it becomes the second nature, the first skin. practice is the hardest part of learning, and training is the essence of transformation. life-changing gratitude does not fasten to a life unless nailed through with one very specific nail at a time."

one very important thing to remember: "for of all the things our minds can think about God, it is thinking upon his goodness that pleases him most and brings the most profit to our soul."

and so it begins...
i am beginning to learn thankfulness, but even before that,
to learn how habits replace habits:
*that to become a wife, i must replace the habits that stem from being so used to living for self and my single needs, with those of selfless, wife-ly habits. (because God is 100% selfless and always puts our needs before His own... furthermore because He is fully satisfied in Himself and has no needs.)
*that to become healthy and to lose weight, i need to replace what i'm used to eating (the sugary, fatty things) with things including less sugar and fat. and that i must exercise and get fresh air.
*that to have a good relationship with the Lord, i can't just expect to fall into it; rather i must pursue His word and make a habit of being in it every night before bed. and that to be a wife pleasing to God, i must hold my tongue and pray for my husband, rather than speak out.

my new life in photos thus far,

2012-01-06T13:42:00.000-08:00

as most of you know, i got married last saturday afternoon in pennsylvania, surrounded by incredible friends and loving family. there will be an array of posts all centered on the wedding, being back in pa, and the honeymoon, but this post will include all of my instagram photos i took this past week.
enjoy!

the day of.

in our hotel room the first night!

flying back to orange county.

a good book and snacks.

we couldn't get a rental car, so we were stranded.

the view from our balcony overlooking the san diego bay.

our first lunch.

my delicious, mouth-watering lobster.

an old building downtown.

our balcony view once more.

an old pirate-esque ship.

on the ferry to coronado island.

the beach right by hotel del coronado; so gorgeous.

more real posts coming soon!
especially of our honeymoon in beautiful san diego.
welcome home to me!

in 2012 i will,

2011-12-27T08:56:00.000-08:00

today is my final unmarried day in california. when i return, i will have a new name: i will be a new woman. 2012 officially begins my active duty on the front lines in this battle of spiritual welfare. i have been stagnant; have been using my biblical knowledge to drag me through these past few months, rather than choosing to deepen my relationship with the One who is carrying me.

in 2012, i will:

i will fight on my husband's behalf;
i will take him, daily, to the throne room of Christ and lift him up in prayer.

i will start drawing nearer to Jesus and begin seeing myself covered in His blood, rather than simply fearing God from far off.

i will cry, fight, and incidentally learn about coming to terms with the relationship with my parents i so desperately want, but cannot have because we are separated by an entire country.

i will finally take this life for what it is: terribly difficult and very painful, and stop trying to avoid the pain.

i will battle to walk with Christ daily.

i will learn to cook for my husband and show him what i am willing to give up for him, and show him that my fibromyalgia has no strong hold on me.

i will not allow my fibromyalgia to have such a strong hold on me.

i will see a Christian counselor.

i will believe that i am growing, and be reminded that He is faithful to carry onto completion the good work he began in you. (not based on my faithfulness, rather His alone.)

i will stop trying to make life what it was a year or two ago, and begin to live in this day joyfully.

i will see the world and my circumstances through the spectacles of the joy of Christ.

i will be reminded of this massively life-changing truth:
that i have found no answer other than Jesus.
apart from Him, we can do NOTHING.

oh, and i will watch tv & movies less,
and write letters and read books more.

beyond the sea,

2011-12-26T20:20:00.000-08:00

happy day-after Christmas! this Christmas has felt the least like Christmas as any other Christmas i've ever lived. 72 degrees, sweating as i open up gifts? oh california, please rain or just be very cold next Christmas... or wait, dan and i are (Lord willing) traveling home to pa for next Christmas! anyway, it was a good one, but it didn't feel like Christmas. oh well!
here's a picture of dan and i on Christmas day,

today has also been a very good day, as we are counting down to less than a week away to our wedding day! five days, now almost four, and i will be mrs. howard! and as a welcome home wedding gift, dan just zoomed over here to hand me his visa to buy an adorable dress we saw on pinterest. it's from charlotte russe, and it's called beyond the sea tube dress.

tomorrow includes packing for the wedding and our honeymoon afterward, cleaning the apartment and making sure anything that could turn into an awful odor has been eliminated, tanning, and working diligently on our reception music, as we have no list yet. aaah, everything will come smoothly together.

merry Christmas!
four and a half-ish days till i'm married!!!

today's my birthday,

2011-12-23T10:16:00.001-08:00

and i'm so excited. so excited because last night, once again, dan and i ended up talking about my huge passion of nurturing and loving on babies and young toddlers, and childbirth. (no, i've not been pregnant yet, nor have i given birth, but i have this deep desire and love for natural childbirth. it's the thing i'm passionate about; but i must remember to be even more passionate about the Giver of this passion.) the Lord has been slowly and patiently beginning to reveal this in me for years now, but just recently (like, two-or-three-weeks-ago-recently) really truly opened my eyes to it. i can't stop it from growing, or help from thinking about it, or stop asking anyone and everyone i meet who's a new momma or daddy exactly how they birthed their child. pressing them for every single detail can be uncomfortable, but nine times out of ten they're more than willing to share - because they're passionate about how their little one came into this world. it's fun to get teary-eyed over hearing how the Lord chose to bring another one of His children onto this planet, and realizing more and more how He is blessing people by informing them of what His plan for childbirth has always been.

so if i could ask for one thing in the whole world for my birthday... or, let's go with three, three is good. if i could ask the Lord for three things for my birthday, it would be these:
1. that i can and will be healed of my fibromyalgia and depression to the point of being able to fully experience a 100% natural water birth with my husband someday in the future. my biggest fear is that i will be infertile (an irrational fear, perhaps, but my biggest nonetheless).
2. that my relationship with dan will continue to grow and become a healthy, loving marriage entirely centered on the One who gave it to us.
3. and that my parents will be blessed with all of the financial support they need to go where the Lord is leading them to go, as my relationship with them will become healthier now that i have dan.

and here are some birthday blanks from lauren,

1. birthdays are: one of my favorite things. i love celebrating another person and planning surprises and picking out gifts for them. and i love celebrating mine! i enjoy counting down the days and feeling special.

2. my favorite birthday memory was when my best friend brought over a bottle of her favorite wine for my 21st birthday and we spent some time chatting, and then my parents took me out to dinner to our very favorite place: pf chang's.

3. a birthday tradition i (or my family) has is it's not something we necessarily like to do, but my daddy takes a candle off of whatever cake or pie we might be eating at any one of our birthdays, and after we sing happy birthday, he sings his special song about the next person's birthday. it's corny but i love it.

4. if I had to choose one birthday meal to eat for the rest of my birthdays hence forth, i would choose

5. my birthday is on today! december 23.

6. if i could take a birthday trip i would go probably honduras. it would be incredible to see all of the sweet kiddos i fell in love with on missions trips there.

7. the best gift I've ever received for my birthday was hmm. let me think on this one. i'm not sure, yet.

recap 2011,

2011-12-21T13:07:00.000-08:00

this year, i've offered and surrendered every single thing in my life to the One who created me, and right when He began to do so, i questioned His character.

i expected being single to be empowering, that i was strong enough to not always give in to what i wanted, and i thought moving to california would be easy and exciting. once i was single (starting last october), i made a few foolish decisions - but took advantage of last christmas vacation to re-start my strength. coming back to school in january i was not nearly so easily swayed or convinced.

in february i met someone who would go down in history as the one to break my heart the very most, and to single-handedly screw up a lot of how i viewed myself. (but i thank God so much for him, because he forced me to line up my worldviews with those of the Lord.)

in march i had enough money to decide between getting myself a sweet little puppy, or go on a short vacation to visit one of my best friends in california. i chose california, and it was one of the best decisions i've ever made. while there, i spent a week surrounded by an incredible community of Christ that led me to decide that maybe the Lord was leading me here: my parents had begun pursuing missions, i didn't have a steady job in pa, so why not?

in april i began being courted by - although i didn't know it at the time - my future husband, and we had our first "date" watching ten things i hate about you and munching on haribo golden bears.

in may i finished my third semester at community college, said goodbye to friends and family, and moved to southern california on the last day of the month. i also got to enjoy my last first kiss with the man of my dreams, waiting for me in the airport baggage claim.

in june i officially went ring shopping for the very first time with dan, and took my first day trip to disneyland.

in july i got engaged! my best friend came to visit before moving up to canada with her husband, and i was finally able to begin planning my dream wedding.

in august i applied for an amazing job in a small beach town at a newspaper, had two interviews, and was blessed with the job! i was blessed with a tiny studio apartment in walking distance from my work place, and four blocks from the beach. and i also got to take my fiance back to my hometown in pa for our engagement party!

in september my momma came to visit dan and i in california, and i found my dream wedding gown.

in october i celebrated my soon-to-be husband's 25th birthday, and every single one of my plans fell through. it was tough, but we had fun and made the most of it.

in november i traded in my old flip-up, keyboard phone for an iphone. and i also spent thanksgiving away from my pa fam. holidays away from home are tough.

in december i'm turning 22, i'm celebrating my very first Christmas away from my parents, i'm getting married to the most incredible man, and i'm struggling.

sometimes being too deep a thinker can be a bad thing. sometimes, i catch myself over-analyzing decisions, people, and emotions in my life. sometimes, i push myself into guilt over the depression i'm experiencing when all of these blessings are so huge and so evident in my little life. dan spoke such truth to me last night specifically about this topic - i feel as though it was from the mouth of God. he told me that (and i can do it no justice, i apologize) this is my biggest passion and my biggest gift, that i am so set on pleasing the Lord and doing what He requires that i will think and think and be concerned with it to the point of physical sickness until i have His perfect answer. dan also, in such humility and love that it nearly blew my mind, told me that i have to put him above my parents. that i now no longer have the same responsibility to my parents, but an even bigger responsibility to him. to hear him say that brought such peace and calmness to my soul, because i saw no selfishness in that. it was absolutely incredible.

i'm so thankful we chose december 31 as our wedding date, because i feel like it totally symbolizes the passing of our single life into the coming of our married life. God has waited through most of our engagement for dan and i to battle through certain things, but now has been showing me lessons that will change how i treat and see dan forever. i'm so very excited. 2011 has been the toughest year of my life, but i'm glad it's been lived. i'm very happy it's now time to move on and start a new year, a new life, a new family.

life is,

2011-12-21T12:30:00.000-08:00

the thing about real life is that it's just kind of there
and that's non-negotiable. it's like gravity.
- suzy.

random to-do's,

2011-12-20T13:14:00.001-08:00

i am just eight posts away from my 500th post, so i'm hoping i can save that for the very last post of 2011. in the meantime, i want to do:
1) a giveaway celebrating 200 followers & 500 posts,
2) a recap of 2011, and
3) my big-girl wishlist aka things on the much-bigger-scale.

*i just found out today that the weather report says it's going to be 72 degrees on christmas. i'm not too excited about that, but i guess living in california means that sort of thing. *a 380 square-foot studio apartment is extremely tiny, but you take what you can get when it's just four blocks from the ocean. *i ordered my bouquet and the ladies' corsages today! the florist is the sweetest woman. i can hardly wait to see the finished product. *dan has pretty much officially planned all of our honeymoon & i am SO excited! *i feel like one of my top teeth in the front of my mouth is going to fall out of my gums. it is in so much pain, and i'm irritated because my wedding is in eleven days. *my wedding is in eleven days! *my grandma sent me two checks: one for christmas, and one for my birthday. i am going to use one to pay for my pre-marriage massage i'm getting tomorrow! *i just made an appointment with the dentist for tomorrow morning. (whenever i hear the word 'dentist' anymore, i automatically think of dwight saying on the office that his dentist's name is crentist.)

*i'm really struggling a lot being away from my parents and best friends. but, i am reminded and encouraged by a few verses: luke 9:23 if anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. luke 9:59-62[Jesus] said to another, “follow Me.” and [he said],“i will follow You, Lord; but first permit me to say goodbye to those at home.” but Jesus said to him, “no one, after putting his hand to the plow and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.” and one more, luke 14:26 “if anyone comes to Me, and does not hate** his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple. (**by comparison of our love for Him.) sanctification is so rough, but i must be reminded: so rewarding. i should be in God's word more, along with reading green letters to be reminded of appropriation.

blue Christmas without you,

2011-12-20T09:10:00.001-08:00

oh! how awesome is it to know that i get to celebrate my birthday in southern california in three days?! and that i get to fly home to see the two most awesome parents on the planet in just eight days! woo hoo!!!

here's a sweet christmas survey i found. do it with me!

1. egg nog or hot chocolate? hot chocolate for sure!
2. does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
his elves wrap them.
3. colored lights on tree/house or white? colored!
4. do you hang mistletoe? no, but i would. i asked dan if we could have mistletoe at our wedding.
5. when do you put your decorations up? at home, my momma does it like, a week or two after thanksgiving. i like that same timeline.
6. what is your favorite holiday dish? stuffing straight from the turkey.
7. favorite holiday memory as a child? having Christmas at my grandma's with all of my mom's brothers.
8. when and how did you learn the truth about Santa? we were in the kitchen at my old house and i had just gotten a happy meal from mcdonald's. my brother said something to my mom about santa not being real right in front of me.
9. do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? yep!
10. how do you decorate your Christmas tree? white lights, mismatched ornaments, star tree topper!
11. snow: love it or dread it? think it's gorgeous but wayway too cold.
12. can you ice skate? yes, extremely well. i just won't, due to the fact that last winter i fell right on the bottom of my spine and jacked it up.
13. do you remember your favorite gift? it wasn't for Christmas - my mom made me an awesome quilt out of all of my old tshirts for a graduation gift.
14. what’s the most important thing about the holidays for you? not having any expectations. i used to struggle with that so much and i was miserable. now, i just expect nothing from others and instead, try to give to them!
15. what is your favorite holiday dessert? my grandma's Christmas fudge!!!
16. what is your favorite holiday tradition? i love going to church on Christmas eve with my parents, opening one gift on Christmas eve night, spending Christmas with my mom's family, opening presents together in the morning.
17. what tops your tree? a star.
18. which do you prefer: giving or receiving? giving!!! i love thinking up great gifts to give, i love wrapping gifts, i love giving and watching people's faces!
19. candy canes: yuck or yummy? so yummy! especially as a stir stick in hot cocoa!
20. favorite Christmas show? holiday inn with bing crosby, OR white Christmas!
21. saddest Christmas song? blue Christmas, by elvis. or Christmas shoes by newsong.
22. what is your favorite Christmas song? last Christmas, by jimmy eat world.

because fill-in-the-blanks

2011-12-19T10:30:00.000-08:00

by lauren actually take thought and show my heart. here's some i've missed since (again - reasons unbeknownst to me) a few months ago.

the holiday season,

1. the holiday season is an exciting and special time that brings up so many beautiful memories and feelings from when i was younger, and gives me a huge chance to show how crafty and thoughtful i can be for the important people in my life.

2. snow makes me feel like a little girl, as long as i get to see or watch it from inside a cozy home with the people i love, and i don't have to drive in it ever.

3. the best comfort food to eat when it's cold out is warm stew out of the crock pot, or yummy chili.

4. winter is the best time for layering cute clothes, wearing adorable boots, and cuddling nonstop while drinking super warm beverages.

5. this holiday season, i can hardly wait for christmas morning with my sweet fiance, and flying home to pa three days later.

6. when it comes to holiday gifts i prefer to make and give them. i love thinking of gifts to fit people's personality and to show them i love them in the best way. i love watching them be opened and seeing the response. it's so fun!

7. if i were to rate my excitement about the holiday season on a scale from 1-10, i would say i am at about a 9. even though there's so much commercialism and stress involved, i absolutely love being festive and celebrating the birth of my Savior. i love giving gifts and growing closer to family and special friends.

please let me know what you think of
the new blog design!

thirteen days till married-life!

2011-12-18T22:20:00.000-08:00

kissing dan five seconds ago made me realize that i have hardly blogged about the fact that i'm getting married thirteen days from today! also, i need to do a recap of 2011. last year, i did my top ten of 2010 (part I, part II), but this year has been so incredibly rough that i can't yet see the good in some of the hardships. thus, just a recap this year.

anyway, like i said, i'm going to be this gorgeous man's wife,

in thirteen days which, incidentally means, i will no longer be single. i am so incredibly excited about this, but chatting with one of my dear friends last night brought me to realize that while i was single, i was eager for marriage; i didn't get to fully enjoy my singleness. now that i'm moments away from the rest of my life - marriage with the most magnificent man of God - i see how i spent my singleness, but i don't regret it. i will miss it for the things it was: of course - the grass is always greener - but i would like to say just about what everyone says when they get to this side: enjoy your singleness, and ask the Lord to please show you what He absolutely wants you to learn in preparation for your future spouse - if He so chooses that for you. i know that i asked for that in my singleness, but not exactly. i asked it to please Him, but i don't think i really wanted it.

another thing: i know i'm not married yet, but the past six months spent with danny have probably been the most sanctifying six months of my life. marriage / engagement is such a clear mirror of what i'm really like and where my heart truly is, and dan is the best man to be that mirror for me because he is so soft in his delivery of reflection. oh i love him so much. i pray pray pray the Lord rewards him abundantly - whether that's through me here on earth, or on the other side of heaven.

btw - dan just came up behind me, wrapped his arms around me, put his face next to my cheek, and asked me if when i started my blog back in 2008, that i knew it would help make my future husband fall in love with me. (i said i had no idea.)

flannel friday,

2011-12-16T09:11:00.000-08:00

okay, so i'm not exactly wearing anything flannel today. but over at lauren's blog {the little things we do} - whom i stopped following a few months ago, but who retweeted me on twitter the other night and now i cannot remember why i ever stopped - she does fill in the blank fridays and i love them.
so, here's today's:

1. my most favorite "little thing" is: when dan stops me in the middle of making dinner to dance with me to whatever music is playing on pandora, or when i get sweet little cards or thoughtful gifts in the mail. i love knowing i've been thought of - i think that's my love language.

2. i'd give anything to: wake up in my home in pa on Christmas morning this year.

3. i can't believe: i'm getting married in fifteen days!!!

4. the one thing i'd like to achieve today is: getting the wedding budget all evened out (i dream big).

5. the last thing i want to do today is: go to my work Christmas party tonight. grrr. dan can't go so i have to go hang out with my coworkers for like, four hours. jas;ldfjs

6. if i were writing my own blank today, it would say: if you could speak any language in the world besides your own native language, it would be: and my answer would be, arabic. or german. or chinese.

7. my favorite candle scent is: this one's tough. i love anything apple because it reminds me of the candles my mom loves, but i also really like the cherry lemonade yankee candle, and the buttercream yankee. okay yes, buttercream. YUM.

i'm a few chapters away from being finished with mindy kaling's book, and can i just tell you that no book has ever made me laugh-out-loud so many times. it's so funny! also, i officially have all of dan's Christmas gifts bought, i am settling on my dad's, and my mom's is in the works! now i just need a good idea for my brother & sister-in-law and another one for dan's sister & brother-in-law.

happy weekend!

it bears repeating,

2011-12-15T12:53:00.000-08:00

hey depression,
you heavy, ugly, disgusting thing, get this:
“God has not given the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 2timothy1:7

A SOUND MIND!
i need to memorize this verse and say it aloud all day every day.
God has not given me the spirit of fear.
rather He has given me POWER.
He has given me LOVE.
and He has truly given me the ability to possess a SOUND MIND.

i feel hope for the first time in months.
whoa, i am overwhelmed. reading some encouraging truths from the good women project today; check this out: lies only come from liars, and satan is the father of lies. as such, lies are intentionally meant to deceive.

last night i had some honest, emotion-free prayer time with the Lord. i couldn't feel Him listening, i had to force myself to say words, but He brought me peace. and then Dan and i talked on the phone before i went to sleep and i realized that i've been forgetting two huge things: 1) i am no longer a slave to sin. rather, i now have the freedom to say 'no' to my flesh and choose the Spirit and walk in Him. i have been acting on emotion for months now, rather than taking part in this battle. and 2) that as Dan's wife, it is truly my job to remind him of who he is in Christ. to remind him that he IS a man of God, that he IS strong, that he IS a leader. just as he reminded me last night - even though i have never felt so far from it - that i am truly lovely and so beautiful.

my emotions have been so beyond fickle, you would never believe. one second i feel so happy and eager, and literally the very next second i feel apathetic and indifferent. the heart is deceitful above all else, who can know it?

3, 2, 1 blast off.

2011-12-15T11:43:00.000-08:00

i turn twenty-two in 8 days,
my first christmas in california is in 10 days,
i fly home to PA to see my sweet family
and best friends in 13 days,
and i become mrs. howard in 16 days!!!

when i got engaged to my sweet man, my biggest goal was (and still is) to glorify the Lord and to bless those involved with all of the planning. it's been tough, especially because i know what i want my wedding to be like and i don't want to compromise what that is. but on the other hand, i need to remember that all that matters is who i'm marrying and that the ceremony is pleasing and glorifying to the Lord. being a bride is incredible, especially when i've been surrounded by so many incredible friends and wonderful family who have truly been making me feel like a princess. of course i've been stressed - what bride can honestly say she hasn't been? but i've gotten love poured on me from so many different people and places across the country, and i don't know how i will ever ever be able to thank them enough. is it weird that that actually hurts? it's strangely painful to know that i can't express the depth of my thankfulness to all of the wonderful people in my life. i pray the Lord rewards and blesses them strongly and abundantly in ways that i could never dream of.

internet censorship,

2011-12-14T09:29:00.000-08:00

i've censored the following, in protest of a bill that gives any corporation and the US government the power to censor the internet--a bill that could pass this week. to see the uncensored text, and to stop internet censorship, visit:

http://americancensorship.org/posts/12580/uncensor

the ████████ may ██████ ████████ if we don't act now.
this is serious stuff.

zwei hundert!

2011-12-10T22:24:00.001-08:00

just an announcement,
today you sweeties have made me the blogger with
200 followers!

thinking of doing a giveaway this week in honor of this.
will have details soon!
happy weekending!

remind me,

2011-12-07T11:02:00.001-08:00

a few very incredible reminders.
(i pinned these a while ago on pinterest and forgot about them...
until today.)

the Spirit of God.

SO encouraging and good.

hard for me to grasp, or believe, but so good to rely on.

*also, last night the Lord poured some awesome truth into my heart about man and woman being created in His image. besides us being compatible with each other relationally and sexually, we each as male and female embody separate and whole characteristics of God that the other cannot possess. and i am so thankful, so glad, so passionately joyful over the fact that i get to reflect the life-giving part of God by (one day years from now, Lord willing!) giving birth and being a nurturer. i just think that is so incredibly awesome, and i am so glad that i am a woman so that i can carry this out! thank You Lord!

my toes are frozen,

2011-12-07T09:02:00.000-08:00

i went to bed with an awful awful headache last night. apparently somehow between monday night and tuesday-sometime, i ingested some gluten, and a migraine decided to cozy up inside my little head. well, sleep is usually the answer for that, but not today. today i woke up with the same exact headache as last night. major bummer, plus i'm freezing and wearing yellow vans with black dress pants. yep, you read that right. i can't wear heels because of my sciatica, so instead i'm wearing skateboard shoes. rock on.

anyway, i just really need to share with you something extremely blessed and awesome. do you remember the ladies group i sometimes blog about - the one i joined a few months ago because i just needed to be in community and fellowship with other women? and how those women turned out to all be over the age of at least 30? well, over the past few months i have stuck it out because i needed (and still need) growth and encouragement, and i just felt it in my soul that God really wanted me to be there. well, just as i suspected since the very beginning, He used me to bless them, but even more so - they have blessed me.

last night at our last meeting until january 10th, i walked in with two bottles of sparkling cider to find out they had been planning a little bridal shower for me all along. there were snacks, and a cake, and get this: one of the sweet ladies cross-stitched this awesome piece of framed art that is in mine and dan's wedding colors and she didn't even know it. it says, 'love' in the background, and then 'happily ever after.' below that is mine and dan's names followed by our wedding date. oh but that's not all, no way. not only did they all pretty much cover me in prayer, and my relationship and future marriage with dan, but they also put money together and gave dan and i a $200 gift card to bed, bath, and beyond!!! i could hardly believe it, and i did a lot of crying to show for it. oh goodness, how God blessed me through them. and at one point, when i was hearing the ladies pray for me, i imagined God speaking through them - and that blessed my heart even more.

wow oh wow. i can't wait for january 10th and bible study to begin again. oh, and by that time - i'll be a married woman. 24 days!

ps, we put our christmas tree up in the office yesterday.
here's before & after,

wishing wishing,

2011-12-06T11:18:00.001-08:00

it's december! and i haven't even begun to do what i usually do when this month comes around. so, now begins the time for wishlists and my top ten of 2011 (broken up into two posts). here's what i'm wishing for this christmas / 22nd birthday, (since they're 2 days apart.)

1. deas vail's new album.

2. this letter 'h' necklace for my new last name.

3. sweet and girly stationary.

4. a pretty floral travel-light duffel bag.

5. rosebud lip salve.

6. burberry brit red, my all-time favorite perfume.

7. absolutely anything from madewell.

8. this makeup from clinique.

things are simple this year. it's almost as if everything is getting looked over because the wedding is such a huge deal and takes so much time and thought. i'm happy about that. it just stinks because it's my first christmas away from my parents, so thank the Lord for skype! happy day, and if you're somewhere snow is falling, enjoy it!

caramel brulee,

2011-12-05T09:34:00.000-08:00

oh how delicious you are.
i had one of you on saturday,
and another on sunday,
and now i want one every. single. day. for the rest of the season.
please?

oh and ew, i'm currently sipping on off-brand, canned coffee with sugar-free (blechhh!) creamer. (let it be said that i hate aspartame. don't try and tell me that you can't taste the difference, too.) ew, it's so awful, it doesn't even compare.

my momma and her best friend along with dan and i got a lot of wedding planning completed this weekend. also, my fibromyalgia is kicking me in the butt with a vengeance. friday night, dan and i walked in the seal beach parade carrying the sun newspaper banner and waving to like, 15,000 people (literally). i think this is when it began, because my sciatic was definitely acting up due to standing/waiting for over 45 minutes, and then walking i-don't-even-know-how-far. i haven't felt this bad since winter last year back in pennsylvania. it's especially crazy that i woke up to the temperature being in the thirties, and that i have wool socks on over a pair of thick gray tights, all wrapped up in my boots. i need to get uggs or toms botas with fleece. what types of boots do you recommend for staying warm in the freezing cold?

happy 26 days until i'm married!
and happy 8 days until i get to see deas vail in concert with my fiance!

thankful from a to z.

2011-11-30T20:06:00.001-08:00

annie is a pretty lady with a gentle spirit who happens to be my sister in Christ. i look up to her, and learn from her, and think that it might be just a teeny tiny bit rude of God that He waited until after i left michigan to meet her. oh well, long-distance friendships show commitment, so that's what i'm learning. (as if starting my serious relationship with dan from 2500 miles across the country for two months wasn't enough... haha!)

anyway, the reason i brought her up (besides just wanting to dote on her) was because she did this awesome post for thanksgiving, and even though i'm nearly one week late and tomorrow starts the month of december, i can never be too thankful. so, i'm going to copy annie and do my abc's of thankfulness.

a - airplanes. they brought me to california my very first time back in 2009, they brought me back again in march of this year to visit, they brought me here to live, they took me home to my momma and daddy for a special weekend, and they'll take me back again soon for my wedding.

b - blogging. what a fun hobby and pasttime. i've learned so much about myself through this world, and sometimes it makes me wish even more that i had more followers, so then i could advertise, and then i could quit my job and use this as my full-time one. that would be heavenly. maybe one day.

c - chocolate. oh goodness gracious alive, has there ever been a food more perfect? to the aztecs - i am forever indebted.

d - daniel. he is humble, and loving, and patient, and imperfect, and being sanctified; he is the mirror which the Lord has been preparing for me to sanctify me. i love him with all of my heart and get to be his wife in one month and one day!

e - etsy. i am addicted. even if i barely ever buy anything off of the site besides wedding stuff and gifts, i love it. i love browsing around and seeing all of the fun and lovely things people can create. so fun!

f - fibromyalgia. i'm thankful for this, more out of pleasing the Lord than actually feeling thankful for it. but, let's be honest - i wouldn't be the cara you know, or that dan fell in love with if it wasn't for this thorn in my side.

g - grace. and how full of love God's grace is, how endless it is, how perfect and never-changing. it's so freeing!

h - heytell. because it's exactly like texting, but much more intimate, and i get to hear the voices of those i miss and am far away from. heytell is such an awesome invention and can be used to awesomely for the glory of God.

i - my iphone. because God teaches us in His word that everything can be worship and everything can bring Him glory, i want to use my iphone for that. i want to bring Him glory in ways i couldn't without my iphone. i don't feel as though i'm over-spiritualizing it, but rather being conscious and intentional.

j - jesus. really i could go on for years and years about what i'm thankful for in the person of Christ, but what i'm most thankful for is His intimate friendship and his brotherhood. and that he chose to shed his blood for me, and that i am declared righteous for what he did.

k - kiddos. seriously, kids (and babies) are the most wonderful things on the planet. they have such a trusting and innocent heart.

l - lemon poppyseed bread. (gluten-free) javatinis has some of the best lemon poppyseed bread i've ever tasted. so so yummy!

m - motherhood. i truly believe this is something i was made for. besides being a daughter of Christ, a wife to daniel, a daughter to my momma and daddy, and part in the body of Christ, i feel as though my biggest calling in this world is to be a mother and to be so nurturing and life-giving. although i'm not a mother yet, motherhood - along with birth - is my hugest passion in Christ.

n - nutella. ohhh, the most delicious food on the planet. nutella, i love you, but you're so full of fat.

o - the ocean. and living four blocks from it. and experiencing getting proposed to with my feet in the ocean, and seeing bio-luminescence for the very first time.

p - parents. the two i have been blessed with to raise me and be my dear friends are world-changers. they are my two favorite people on the entire planet (besides my husband-to-be) and they are such an inspiration to me - in their marriage relationship, their love for me, and their pursuit of the Lord.

q - q-tips. okay, i know this might sound super weird, but i love q-tipping. that's what i call cleaning my ears. i just love it.

r - rock harbor.this is the church i attend here in so cal and it's an incredible house of God. He is so present, worship is so all about Him, they are so doctrinally-sound, and i know no church is perfect - and i'm glad for that - but i'm so blessed to be apart of my church.

s - singing. one of my favorite favorite things to do. i miss singing for school, but singing at church and giving my voice to the Lord is so awesome and i love giving back to Him what He has given to me.

t - trader joe's. when i lived back in pa, the closest trader joe's was over an hour away. here in so cal, there's one five minutes away. i'm so thankful for it because they have a lot of gluten-free food and it's much cheaper than if i was to get it at a regular grocery store, or even whole foods.

u - cute underwear. is that weird? i just love it. being a girl is so fun when it comes to this, because we get to wear some of the cutest under garments.

v - vintage. etsy helps me love for this, as does blogging. i'm so excited for mine and dan's wedding because it's going to be all so vintage-y. and our small, tiny apartment is going to have some vintage-esque elements as well.

w - worship. this goes along with singing, but singing isn't the only way i get to worship. prayer, spending time in His word, glorifying Him in conversation about Him, blessing Him in that way, being a light for Him. it's part of sanctification and the life He has given me, and He deserves all of it.

x - xanthan gum. without it, gluten-free breads wouldn't hold together, nor would starbucks' frappuccinos.

y - the yoke of Christ. sunday at church i spent a lot of time in prayer during communion, and for the first time in years i asked the Lord to give me His yoke, rather than continuing to hurt myself and carry my own. oh His burden is light, and He will carry me.

z - zig zag aka chevron it's my favorite print. it's so pretty and fun and i wish i owned more of it than just on greeting cards. i want chevron clothes and jewelry, please!

so there it is, my a-z thankful list of 2011. such a great exercise!

currently,

2011-11-29T11:28:00.000-08:00

danielle over at sometimes sweet shared this fun post on her blog this morning. i think it's perfect for the holiday season!

obsessing over: my new iphone. i love downloading all of the fun, free apps and playing games with my friends. my favorites right now are instagram, paper toss, and solitaire.

working on: planning my wedding. this covers all aspects including my diet, skincare, and all of the normal wedding planning. everything is coming together nicely, except the diet part. since december starts tomorrow, i thought it'd be perfect to start no-sweets-december until the 23 (my birthday), unless i'm going strong, and then i'll hold off until the actual wedding date!

thinking about: trying to think of great gift ideas for my parents and for dan that aren't too too expensive.

anticipating: christmas, of course! I can't wait for all of the fun events coming up, especially my wedding on new year's eve. !!! oh goodness, i cannot wait to wear the most beautiful wedding gown and walk down the aisle on my daddy's arm; for him to give me away: the one man who has always loved me unconditionally (apart from Jesus) until dan. what a beautiful, glorious day it will be.

listening to: the tap-tap-tap of all of the keyboards around the office and a truck driving down main street. also, the thousands of thoughts running around inside my head.

drinking: uh oh, nothing. i should be drinking water.

wishing: that on december 13, danny will take me to the roxy to see deas vail. it will be my third concert of their's! please oh please.

instagram, p.1

2011-11-29T11:07:00.000-08:00

before i even owned an iphone, i wanted to use the instagram app so so sooo badly. it lets me pretend i'm a really great photographer because it has such creative and awesome filters! here are the pictures i've taken so far,

1. bruno 2. before going shopping on saturday 3. christmas tree @ south coast plaza 4. dan and i in front of the christmas tree 5. thank you cards for my bridal shower 6. wrapping paper i got from ikea 7. today's morning triple-shot peppermint mocha 8. our new kitchen island and gorgeous new toaster oven

i got an early birthday present,

2011-11-28T10:02:00.000-08:00

my four day weekend went by in two snaps and a flash. i can't believe that was actually four whole days, because it feels like i was just at work yesterday! oh well, dan and i got a bunch of wedding stuff done:

like finding his and his best man's suits (zara, baby!), getting their button-ups and dress shoes, and also getting thank-you cards out in the mail from my bridal shower. we also made a trip to ikea, found a dresser in an awesome color at a great price to fit just where we need it to in my (soon to be our) apartment, and bought a small kitchen island that gives us more counter space, a place to put our awesome brand new toaster oven, and fits right between our stove and refrigerator!
our new dresser!

our awesome new island!

some cons of this weekend: i'm worn out, i ate too much.

but what overshadows that awful news is that dan got me an iphone as an early birthday present! because our wedding is eight days after my birthday, and christmas is two days after, he didn't want his very first birthday with me to be overshadowed by those two things, so he told me exactly one month (november 23) before my actual birthday. i got the white one, and i love it!

can you believe december starts this thursday?! i can't. i can hardly believe i'm getting married next month. thirty-three days from today! ah! so awesome. hope you had a wonderful thanksgiving!

a quick rundown of my four day weekend:
thursday,
drove inland to dan's dad's cousin's, played poker for pennies, hung out with an awesome eleven year old, and ate delicious food.

friday,
got my iphone and met one of dan's best buds from high school, grabbed lunch at trader joe's, drove up into the mountains to visit dan's mom's mom (my soon to be nani), climbed a bit, took pictures, (i'll upload them soon!) took a nice nap, and got altitude sickness.

saturday,
slept in late, hung out with lana and matt a bit, had lunch/dinner at chick fila, spent about two hours trying to get an otter box for my iphone, and got dan's and his best man's suits for the wedding.

sunday,
went to church, met a lovely lady who is also engaged to be married, had great worship and prayer time with the Lord, spent a bit more time at the mall looking for dan's dad's suit, and had a delicious lunch at ruby's that put me way over the top, went to ikea, got home, filled out thank-you cards, dan built the kitchen island, then i finally went to sleep.

busy busy. today = nothing but work.

thanksgiving eve,

2011-11-23T12:53:00.000-08:00

today doesn't feel like the day right before thanksgiving, and tomorrow doesn't feel like my third thanksgiving (not consecutively) away from my parents, but it is, and it will be. probably because it's been difficult to be this far away from them, knowing i won't get to see them at christmas either, makes tomorrow seem a tiny bit more painful than it normally would. but God is our Provider and our strength, and through His Spirit we are connected despite the many miles between us. how awesome is that?! that is one thing at the very top of my thankful list. and i am so thankful that i am His child.

my first california thanksgiving includes spending the morning with dan and his parents (soon to also be mine), maybe watch some of the parade, and then we're going a bit inland to spend the day! i will miss eating stuffing(gluten) very very very much this year, but i can live without it. and maybe i can eat pie without the crust! turkey though, and mashed taters, yummm. and then i guess tomorrow is also the healthy time to begin decorating for christmas and to play christmas music!

a thing or two,

2011-11-22T16:28:00.000-08:00

slowly slowly s l o w l y things have been improving in this battle of pursuing the Lord, despite feeling my prayers bouncing off of the ceiling these past two-ish weeks. yesterday something happened that definitely would've pulled me back even more than i already was, but the Lord had been providing peace and strength in my heart (for what now seems preparation for this:)

yesterday i got a phone call from my brother telling me he's not going to be at my wedding... and he didn't present it in a loving way. he then went on to condescendingly tell me that i, of all people, should understand. but i don't, and i won't, and all i see is selfishness. so i called my mom, and her and my dad have been trying to talk to brent for days about this now, and even his wife, to no avail. i even called my sister-in-law-to-be (dan's older sister) to talk about this, and she was so loving; i feel i will have a better relationship with her and her husband than my own biological brother... it's so hurtful, and something i never ever would've expected. i am so confused and so hurt. has anyone dealt with this sort of a thing in their family before?

my mom reminded me of this,
. . .do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. ephesians 4:30;32

there's so much more to be said, and so many things that could just continue to be said and said and said, but i am trying to move on from this. the one thing that bothers and hurts me the most more than anything else is that, it's so evident that neither my brother or his wife is interested in a relationship with my husband-to-be. oh well. biological family isn't the only type of family we can have, praise the Lord. so excited for my new family on dan's side, as well as all of my spiritual family. God makes all things new.

this is my prayer in the desert,

2011-11-22T08:55:00.000-08:00

when all that's within me feels dry.
and this is my prayer in my hunger and need,
my God is the God who provides.

and this is my prayer in the fire,
in weakness, or trial, or pain.
there is a faith proved of more worth than gold,
so refine me Lord through the flames.

i will sing praise,
i will sing praise,
no weapon formed against me shall remain.
i will rejoice,
i will declare,
God is my victory and He is here.

this is my prayer in the battle,
when triumph is still on its way.
i am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ,
so firm on His promise i'll stand.

all of my life,
in every season,
You are still God
i have a reason to sing,
i have a reason to worship.

(and this is my prayer in the harvest,
when favor and providence flow.
i know i'm filled to be emptied again,
the seed i've received i will sow.)

i will sing praise!
i will sing praise!
no weapon formed against me shall remain.
i will rejoice!
i will declare!
God is my victory and HE IS HERE!

what an absolutely incredible and truth-filled song. last night i went to pick up my wedding gown from david's bridal with my dear friend anna, and then we grabbed a yummy gluten-free dinner at pei wei. while there, i just poured my heart out to her about how i've been feeling lately, especially in my relationship with the Lord. she was extremely encouraging and uplifting, and so straight with me. you'd think i'd realize that i need to continually learn grace, especially since i have it forever-tattooed on my body, but thank God for anna and her love in reminding me. i need to see God's grace everywhere He is extending it to me, i need to be open to His grace in my life, to learn more of it, and to extend it to others. when anna and i were talking about this, i cried softly to her that i feel so dry inside, and this is the song that immediately came to my mind; now i cannot stop listening to it.

pre-thanksgiving, 2011

2011-11-17T16:39:00.000-08:00

this is what i would like to wear next week on thanksgiving. (it's only a week away!) i already own the jeans and the diamond ring, just need to grab a pair of uggs (or, i wouldn't mind an off-brand like these, an awesome baggy sweater, and a new leather slouchy purse. oh thanksgiving, i'm glad you're almost here.

what's your go-to outfit for thanksgiving?
are you going casual or a bit more dressed-up?

a chilly autumn thursday,

2011-11-17T14:17:00.000-08:00

thursday, today:

+ wedding talk with my momma,

+ pre-marital counseling session tonight,

+ two huge tasks to do at work,

+ cleaning the apartment (as per usual),

+ reading mindy kaling's new book (it came in the mail today!)

+ writing a review on this album that came out yesterday,
because their publicist contacted me to do so,

+ and getting into God's word and talking with Him a bit.

enjoy your 'today!'

orange cherry mocha, yumyum

2011-11-16T09:58:00.000-08:00

thankful wednesday, (the week is halfway done!)

1. a momma that i can talk to about anything and everything; who speaks truth to me and doesn't sugar-coat things.

2. living in walking distance from the doctor and lab when i don't own a car. i had to walk over to get blood drawn this morning before work, and it would've been awful if it was further than it is.

3. people who have extremely and nearly-impossible-to-meet prideful expectations because... it shows me my own.

4. an amazing, loving, and selfless fiance who puts off dinner while holding me and talking to me, making sure i get all of my thoughts out before i explode.

5. the hope of a delicious ~~orange~~ cherry mocha, and cleaning then sleeping after work. let me just take a vacation from myself, please.

i feel like a prisoner in my own mind, unable to focus on anything good for longer than two minutes because my brain is in such a fog from my fibro. work is tough, sitting down all day strains my back, and i have this endless deep desire to be filled in Christ, but a battling desire to not pursue it. oh God i cry out, i need You, help me know You are near.

i never had enough till i found You,
and now i have everything.

a little list,

2011-11-15T10:23:00.000-08:00

thankful tuesday.

1. morning smiles.

2. clear skin.

3. a God who loves me and is close even when i don't feel it or accept it,

4. and a fiance who pushes this truth into my brain even when i don't want it.

5. peppermint mochas.

life is ridiculously hard and i wish i could take a vacation from my own mind. happy tuesday, aka the best day of the week to purchase plane tickets.

blessed so cal living,

2011-11-14T09:01:00.000-08:00

my brain is in a fog right now, and it's kind of a problem because i'm at work. i need to be focusing on writing an article to go to press tomorrow but i can't form my sentences at all. i'm pretty sure this is because my sciatic has been aching so i took aleve before i left home this morning, have been sipping on some delicious coffee, and had to end up buying a red bull. this is awful, gaaaah. i just want to go lie down...

balboa from the ferris wheel.

yesterday's post ended up being super long, so i didn't get to share about the beauty and perfection of my sunday. dan and i headed to church in the morning and enjoyed a wonderful service. during which i was blessed by the encouragement of this lovely older lady who shared with me that my worship was beautiful to her. church was followed by mine and dan's youth services, respectively, where i pretty much got to take care of three little sweet peas by myself: consoling, wiping runny noses, but not having any dirty diapers to change, woo hoo!

dan's silly; before the walk to the ferry

after church, i was all excited because i was planning on taking dan out for in n' out for lunch! but he told me he had another plan (and i love surprises. love them.), so i waited patiently. we drove through neighborhoods i had never been to, and ended up crossing the bridge from newport to balboa island. we cruised down main street just enjoying the weather, and then found a parking spot on a back street. we talked for a bit and then walked over to the shore where we waited for the ferry! once we got on, we were both just so giddy and in love; i didn't care what we did next.

riding the ferry across the harbor.

once off the ferry, we walked down to harborside to visit dan's friend he used to work with, and i went into the candy shop to get some of my favorite taffy ever... ended up spending seven bucks on it, but it is so worth it. we then walked to BJ's restaurant where dan got to enjoy a delicious turkey club sammich with shoestring french fries, and i got a yummy caesar salad with broccoli-cheddar soup. (who knew that i could get filled up on soup and salad?! i have a tiny tummy.) after lunch i felt a bit sick, so we went outside to get some fresh air.

we walked to the arcade on the boardwalk and played skee ball, won 4 tickets a piece and i bartered with the ticket girl and got a pair of neon pink fangs for 8 tickets that were regularly 10 tickets. yes sir! there was also a nautical museum that was free, so dan and i went inside and it was so awesome! the best part was that there was a man-made tide pool full of sea snails, starfish, and tiny crabs, and we could touch all of them! afterward, we walked around a bit more, and then decided to go on the ferris wheel. dan had never been on it before, and obviously neither had i; we were acting like little kids: all giggly and happy. it was so wonderful! we then rode the ferry back to the island, danced on one of the docks, shared a balboa bar covered in toffee and peanuts, and stopped at starbucks on the way home.

at the top of the ferris wheel!

i love my life. i love my life. how could i not? i may live 2500 miles away from my parents, 1500 miles from my brother, sister-in-law, and niece, and i'm not in school, but God has brought me here, i am about to marry the man of my wildest prayers and dreams, i'm going to a wonderful church, and i am so blessed at my job.

thank You, Jesus. i love this life You've given.

orange blossom,

2011-11-13T19:14:00.000-08:00

hellooo, sweet loves! i hope your weekend was so wonderful and you're ready for this week to begin! first, i must note that friday night was supposed to be our leader/teacher appreciation dinner, but dan and i realized at the last second that it began a half an hour earlier and was further away. so we drove over to pavilion's to drop off our blockbuster we had rented the night before, and then ended up sitting in the parking lot for over an hour... why, you might ask?

well, i had what you might call my biggest depression-breakdown yet. it was awful, it was miserable, and it was full of so many lies that i felt sure were truth. i cried so many tears, but also felt so very numb. (i'm sure some of you know exactly what i mean.) but i'm learning first-hand this new type of pain which i first felt (as far as i can remember) when i finished reading the book, the book thief. what i felt was a complete lack of control. like, the situation or circumstance is absolutely set and there is nothing - no matter how much i might cry or will it to happen - that i can do to change it. this is how i feel about my parents living 90,000 miles away. (okay not that far, but it feels like it.) and never getting to see my niece so much that she doesn't even know who i am. but anyway, i'm learning. aaand, as i was so encouraged by today's worship at church, especially this part:

i'm running to Your arms,
the riches of Your love will always be enough.
n o t h i n g compares to YOUR embrace,
Light of the world forever reign. . .
You are here, You are here,
in Your presence i'm made whole,
You are God, You are God,
of all else i'm letting go.

i was just surrendering and learning that i need to hold onto the promises and the truths and the love of my friend, Savior, and King. nothing truly does compare to His embrace. i need to exercise that truth and seek His embrace more deep in His word.

i realize this is from eat,pray,love but i'm confident these words could be straight from the heart of God.

so, onto my saturday thankful list,

1. such a loving, truth-speaking, patient, and sensitive man of God to take care of me when all i can concentrate on are awful, depressive thoughts.

2. slow, lazy saturdays when the sky is really dark all day but it doesn't rain until evening. even though dan hates these, they remind me so much of pa.

3. my soon-to-be husband's barber who is just so sweet and so fun to be around, and is so willing to stay late at work to cut dan's hair.

4. watching real-to-life-yet-horrific movies that strike a cord so deep and strong in my heart. dan and i watched taken saturday night and just... it hurts so much to know the evil that exists in this world due to sin. blech.

5. friends from church who come over while i'm in the nursery to just say hi and see how i'm doing. i love new friends.

eleven eleven eleven,

2011-11-11T09:02:00.000-08:00

last night was supposed to be pre-marital counseling, but i was in bed since right after work till when dan came over because of a sick tummy. while in bed, i watched a romance movie i found on netflix because i was simply in the mood. i found one called waiting for forever with rachel bilson (whom i think is a babe) and it was okay. cute and clean, but kinda sad. dan's day at work wasn't the bomb either (is it ever, anymore?) so we just hung out and watched captain america. which, i must admit, the beginning was very lovely. it was such a clean movie and pretty good, but once steve actually became captain america, the movie went downhill.

eleven / eleven / eleven thankful for,

1. bad hair days, because they make good hair days so much more awesome and great.

2. the awesome education i've reaped from the research chelsea has done about childbirth. this includes natural birth, cesarean birth, anything about pitocin, epidurals, relying on the Lord fully in faith and prayer, everything. i feel so blessed to be so knowledgeable in something that the western world is really taking away from us women. we trust our doctors way too much when really, their biggest goal (usually, no matter what they say) is to get us in and out as quickly as possible. no way sir, not for me. i am sold on an at-home water, all-natural birth with my husband in the tub with me to catch our baby.

3. friday mornings starting with banter and laughter in the office. i work with such wonderful, sweet, silly people. oh goodness, i'm blessed.

4. that everyday so far this week, my mom and i have prayed together either on skype or over the phone. it's so indescribable to have such Godly relationship with my mom.

5. the sweet little offer i just got to walk the prettiest australian shepherd. if i didn't have to get coffee for my boss, i would've done it in a heartbeart. she was so eager to get exercise!

happy friday, and enjoy the weekend!

my God is not dead,

2011-11-10T12:48:00.000-08:00

thankful thursday, 11/10/11 (a day late)

1. that i'm really beginning to get into the habit of thanking God for every little thing in my life. last night before i fell asleep, i just lay in bed thanking God for things i never thought to thank Him for before. it's so awesome being obedient by thanking Him!

2. that i was refunded $7 on papypal so i could purchase mindy kaling's new book (which i've been dyyying to buy!) 'is everyone hanging out without me?' without feeling super guilty!

3. for worship music, especially the newsboys' new cd 'God's alive' coming out next tuesday, because i've been asked by their publicist to listen to it and review it on my blog! so exciting.

4. for God's perfect word and the specific books He sometimes guides us to on purpose. for example, last night: for he who sanctifies and those who are sanctified all have one source. that is why he is not ashamed to call them brothers. as you can see, He led me to the book of hebrews. i enjoyed and loved it so much.

5. randomly meeting a very sweet and kind mary-kay consultant who went out of her way to come back to the newspaper today and invite me to an event on monday - telling me that she can pick me up for it - and giving me coupons for myself and my bridesmaids to be used online! such a sweet blessing.

i will declare God is my victory and He is here.

2011-11-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

my morning was lovely and sweet at home, but it's very cold in my office (colder than outside), someone called who i could barely understand but who needed important information from me, and other people just want to keep coming up to my desk and chit-chatting. aaaah, but i am learning to be thankful in all things so i am thanking God for all of this.

i will go to london one day.

that is something i learned in bible study last night, and let me just tell you that last night was the most wonderful ladies' groups i've ever been to. (as i just typed that, a man walked in from the uk which can just about make anyone's day when they hear that accent.) oh, and i was just also reminded that our office got visited by like, 8 sweet greyhounds just a bit ago. they're such soft doggies! but anyway, back to a summary of last night's intimate and sweet-to-my-soul bible study. the lesson was incredible for me, specifically. i'm seeing that in my fibromyalgia (or whatever it might be), in my depression, and in my being separated from my parents, God is preserving, protecting, and preparing me from and for greater things. He is good, and i thanked Him last night for being so far from my parents, and even though it fixed nothing, it's slowly healing my heart.

give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 thessalonians 5:18

the message that really opened my eyes to all of this was a small tidbit of corrie ten boom's story from the hiding place. apparently when she was in her barracks at the concentration camp (as punishment for hiding Jews in her home) it was cold, and everyone was sick, but the one thing that never ended and they never had any relief from was the frustrating, irritating, biting fleas. one day she confided in her sister about this, and her sister said to corrie, "we are to thank the Lord in all things. remember this, corrie." and so even though she really really didn't want to thank God for the fleas, she obeyed the command in God's word. and you know what? months later, she learned that theirs was one of the few barracks that none of the people in charge would come in to because of the fleas! they just couldn't stand them. so, these fleas really saved the lives of the people in those barracks. sjadfl;sjd;flkdjf i'm so in awe of this! so this is why i am learning to thank God in all things. although i should've been eager to obey even without this story, i simply love that God is so willing to give us a glimpse of His plan to help us along.

thankful wednesday, 11/9/11

1. warm fall days. i ended up wearing my peacoat to work today because i assumed it would be cool again like yesterday. but nope, it's gorgeous, warm, and sunny outside!

2. deeper and growing fellowship with older women of God. i am so blessed by my ladies' group, and even though i didn't see this in the beginning, i am so glad i obeyed the Lord and continued going.

3. this amazing video of murmuration: one of the most magnificent phenomenons i've ever seen.

Murmuration on Vimeo.

4. being a regular at a coffee shop so that one morning when you clearly only have enough money for your boss's coffee, they give you yours free. so sweet!

5. all of the wedding planning being able to take place with my momma over skype, phone calls, and email. it's almost like we are really together planning it all.

no more calling like a crow,

2011-11-08T10:14:00.000-08:00

i missed another day of a thankful list, but i don't think it's necessary to go backwards and fix that. so we are moving forward! aside from that, yesterday was a strange day. work went by super fast - almost like a blurr - and then as i relaxed afterward, trying to plan wedding stuff without falling asleep, that went by speedy quick also! once dan got off work, we ate dinner and finished as many invitations as we could and got those out this morning. tonight i have my ladies' group and planning some ceremony stuff with my momma. i just wanna sleep all day...

thankful tuesday,

1. getting a refund on mine and dan's wedding invitations. neither of us were 100% satisfied with the way the ink looked and the type was printed, so we got a 25% refund! we still plan on using the invitations of course, and we do love them, but, you know.

2. becoming an official columnist for the newspaper in which i work. my boss now wants to bring me on as our restaurant reviewer. how awesome is that?!

3. finally having our engagement announcement in the newspaper so whenever i walk on main street, i get congratulated. it's so rad.

4. running out of nutella, because it means i get to by a new, bigger jar today.

5. tanning and how awesome it makes my skin look. not only does it make my skin darker, but it also really clears it up. i love it.

have a lovely tuesday!
it's bright, sunny, and fairly warm on the coast today!

you are the silence in between

2011-11-07T10:14:00.000-08:00

woops, missed a few days of my thankfulness lists. but in my defense, saturday was one of the laziest days ever and i didn't get out of my pajamas until after four pm. dan and i did get over half of our wedding invitations out though! and got a partial refund on them because we weren't 100% satisfied... also, had my dress fitting yesterday for alterations and oh my goodness, i love wearing my gown. aaaaah. i can't wait for our wedding day so i get to galavant around in the most gorgeous dress.

saturday thankfulness,

1. a day with no plans, no responsibilities, and no obligations. my shoulders felt so light and i got to sleep so much.

2. when my baby watches my favorite movie (the dark knight!) with me even though he really really dislikes it.

3. for a sweet little niece who turned two on saturday and getting to sing to her.

4. my parents flying safely into chicago, and then from there safely into pittsburgh. what a blessing!

5. being able to do laundry for free on the weekends at dan's parents' home.

sunday thankfulness,

1. the most wonderful, uplifting, don't-sugarcoat-the-truth-at-all, honest, loving parents in the whole universe. they are incredible guides for dan and i going into this whole marriage thing.

2. the sweetest once-bridal consultant, now-alterations lady ever. i secretly believe i'm her most favorite client she has ever had. we've become friends, and it's so wonderful.

3. fighting. even though it hurts, it's frustrating, it sucks, it's not honoring, etc. etc., it shows love. because if we didn't care enough about each other, we wouldn't care enough to fight.

4. searching, searching, searching for a specific item on etsy and finally finding it. how satisfying!

5. realizing i don't need a trial makeup & hair appointment before the wedding. another way to save money!

will update and do monday's list later on today. gotta get back to work!
happy monday!

a love note,

2011-11-04T14:15:00.000-07:00

to my future husband, aka danny:
you are my match, my perfect fit. i've always believed there are more than one "the one" for people, depending on what decisions a person makes to lead them to different places. don't get me wrong, i still believe that since being found by you. and even more than that, i believe that there is absolutely one ideal one for each person. peanut, i believe that person is you for me. i don't just believe it, i know it to be true. you are the sweet man my parents have been praying for for me since i was a little girl, you're the one i've dreamed of and broken up with other guys for, and you're the one i've saved myself for.

daniel, i love you so much and i'm so excited to be your little wife. i'm so enjoying these pre-marital counseling sessions we've been going through together, and have so far absolutely loved being your faith partner these past seven months. i look forward to the months and years ahead, to each day wake up beside the one i love more than life: the one i would do absolutely anything for. you're the color to my world, the sweet scent after rain, and my cuddle bear.

i love you with all of me. you make me feel more loved, needed, and encouraged than anyone on earth ever has (besides maybe my parents, but... you know.) you're my best friend, my dreamboat, my hand to hold. i really get to walk through life with you?! i am so blessed.

thank you for the way you love me.
love, butter muffin.

only hold till your coffee warms,

2011-11-04T09:58:00.000-07:00

we received our wedding invitations in the mail yesterday! so today includes gathering together every single address we need, practicing printing addresses on a 5x7 envelope, printing all addresses onto said envelopes, stamping, packaging, and mailing out tomorrow! woo hoo! (can't show pictures until they've all been sent out. sorry!)

pre-marital counseling was so awesome last night... God has brought dan and i so far in our relationship in just the past two weeks and pastor jim sees so much more in us than he has ever. it's so awesome to be able to physically see the work of God. He is SO GOOD. also, pastor jim has offered to sponsor dan and i in january to start taking the financial peace university course! i'm so excited because the Lord has been mentioning and bringing up this wonderful tool to dan and i for the past couple of months, and this is just Him confirming that. this is all so exciting!

i'm thankful for...

1. skype, so that i can video chat with my parents while they're overseas after not having spoken to them in seven days. it was so awesome!

2. how often my boss has good days and a good attitude so that the days when he is in an awful mood are rare and really not that bothersome.

3. rainy cozy mornings where i can spend an extra ten minutes in bed before work, get a shower, and then come out to warm hot coffee.

4. pre-marital counseling. it has been helping dan and i so much and i think every engaged couple should go through it.

5. i know this is silly, but i just found out that downton abbey has been picked up for a third season and i'm really very excited about that.

love is always a fiery dragon,

2011-11-03T09:46:00.000-07:00

i know i missed day one of november, which means i didn't get to make a thankful list for that day. but i'm eager to do the rest of the month!

lately i have been really holding the reigns back when it comes to spending money, and it's really tough. i just got payed two days ago and already i'm nearly down to a small number in my checking account. it doesn't help that rent was due on monday either... or that all of these wedding expenses exist, or that i had to go grocery shopping yesterday, or that deas vail's new cd just came out and i'm fighting the urge daily to purchase it... ah, oh well. this is the perfect time to lead into my list:

i'm thankful today...

1. that i live in southern california, that i live in an apartment three blocks from the pacific ocean, that i can walk to work in five minutes, and that right across the street is my grocery store.

2. that hot dogs are both cheap and gluten-free.

3. for pandora playing free music that i love, especially worship music as i get ready for work in the mornings.

4. for websites that stream the second season of downton abbey for free.

5. for nutella: on toast, bananas, strawberries, and right out of the jar. i completely forgot how much i loved it, and for some reason yesterday i decided to buy it again. wow, i have been missing out.

my bright is too slight,

2011-11-02T11:01:00.000-07:00

still not fully happy with my header, of course. trying to figure out what's really me and what represents me best. hmmm. think i'll work on it today since it's wednesday and i won't see dan.

i saw this charge somewhere on pinterest (i think) recently and it really inspired me: write five things you're thankful for in your journal every day of november. of course they all have to be different, but this sounds like a really good challenge.

here goes,

1. my incredible boss. he is so encouraging, so easy to work for, and so humble and patient.

2. email. since my parents have been overseas since last friday and our cell phones don't work internationally, i've gotten three emails from them and it's been wonderful.

3. that i live right across the street from my grocery store, so that when i run out of food i can just hop right over there.

4. beautiful fall weather even in southern california. and even though it's going to be in the high-70s today, the leaves are still changing.

5. my incredible matron of honor; lauren is so helpful, so eager, and so organized. i could not have asked for or been blessed with a better woman for the job.

thank you God!

happy november!

2011-11-01T08:50:00.001-07:00

the date is 11/1/11,

i'm pretty sure i have a cut on my eye because it hurts something fierce,

my boss is blasting female r&b from his office,

i'm wearing red tights with combat boots,

i wish i needed the new deas vail album to continue breathing so i could justify spending money on something that isn't actually necessary to life,

my wedding is exactly two months from yesterday!,

i made a new blog header and am really having trouble deciding if it looks great (better than my old one) or if it looks amateur, i need your opinion, please help.

dan and i went to a costume / dance party last night at my old house and we dressed up as ron and hermione. starbucks even did this for us,

so rad.

hope your halloween was spooky awesome.

you rest your bones

2011-10-28T10:10:00.000-07:00

somewhere far from my house,
yeah, but you still pull me home.

oh, perfect love blessed and given by none other than the glorious God of the universe, only possible by the blood of Christ, given selflessly. what a holy and safe relationship we can now have with God! what an honor to call him mine! and i am His; such dependence and trust cannot exist apart from Him.

and because of Him, because of this new relationship i have through Jesus and can call God my Father, He pours His blessing out onto my life. nearly two weeks ago, dan and i were really struggling in our relationship. we were in an unhappy and un-glorifying to God place, so we started praying. we started seeking counsel from older and wiser believers, and have been persevering with endurance only by the given strength of God. since then, our love and our relationship have... wow. it's truly like we did a 180, and last night was one small glimpse of God's outpouring of love on us due to that decision.

once dan came to seal beach after work, we decided to go on a walk since it was a semi-warmish evening. we were walking on main street and he nudged me into waki sushi (the last time we went there, under my prodding, was sort of a disaster. he was unhappy and i ate alone...), whispered into my ear to order anything i wanted, and... oh goodness, we didn't stop smiling the whole meal, i think. at one point, he got tears in his eyes (joyful tears) and i stood up, walked around the table, and hugged him right then and there. it was beautiful! everyone took to watching us once that happened. as the night wore on, people kept stealing glances at us and before we left, dan decided to kiss me in front of everyone, and once we walked out of the restaurant, put his coat over my shoulders so everyone could see. not to show off our love - not at all - but to show others how loved i am by him. i felt lovelier than a princess!

after dinner we went back to the apartment (after we finished our walk) and got in cozy clothes, had so much fun tickling and laughing with each other, watched an episode of band of brothers, and then shared some wonderful prayer time. it was sort of like conversational prayer: we both kept our eyes open, we took turns praying, and wow... wow. it was the most intimate and exciting time i have ever experienced. we poured the deepest parts of our heart out to the Lord, while incidentally showing each other the very same. we shared joyful tears, amazing laughs, and so much humility and love. i will never ever forget last night.

Lord, thank you so much for this man. i am so excited to, in two months, call him mine. i am so excited to learn and grow and be sanctified for You through this marriage, and in turn, become a better woman and wife for dan. he is a glorious gift and i cannot thank you enough, but i will try for the rest of my life. i love You Lord, and i thank you that You fulfill me and that You are enough. You are so good.

oh, and my parents left for china today. they're currently in the chicago airport and fly to beijing, china in thirty minutes. this trip will, more than likely, reveal what God has for them in the future. i'm so excited for them. who knows, maybe one day, dan and i along with my parents, will get to go on a missions trip together!

happy weekending!

sick season in so cal,

2011-10-26T20:20:00.000-07:00

i've been sick since saturday night,
i've missed two days of work,
bible study,
i can hardly talk on the phone,
and i don't remember the last time i kissed dan on the mouth.

please heal me, Father! please!

you'd think i'd be blogging more, especially since i just got internet in my apartment. but, netflix has stolen me considering parks and recreation season 3 is finally on there, as is downton abbey, and the office season 7.

k, peace out!

you said the words and you didn't even speak,

2011-10-24T11:40:00.000-07:00

i'm sick today. boooo. but to go along with how i feel, it's raining! saturday night dan and i went to the rodeo at the oc fairgrounds (soo much fun!) and i got to pet some gorgeous horses, watch some other horses go crazy bucking, watch bull riding, and sit behind the sweetest little four month old baby boy! dan is convinced i spent more time staring at him than at the rodeo... i'd say it was about 50/50!

in our flannels at the rodeo!

anyway, the air was really cold and i think it dried out my throat... or congested it. or both. incidentally, i missed francis chan at church yesterday and also had to be mia in the nursery. major bummer because angelina has really needed us lately, especially at the service i'm supposed to be at, but my health has just been awful on the weekends! that sounds so ironic, but i love going to church. i love it more than going to work, which i have to do on the daily, even when i feel this yucky. going home in a couple of hours to get cozy and watch either harry potter or star wars. yes, i'm a nerd.

a few updates:

+ my parents leave for china in four days.

+ dan and i finally ordered our wedding invitations this past saturday. realllly excited to get them in the mail!

+ my dear friend holly asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding! i'm so beyond excited; i've never been in a wedding before!!!

+ i had a dream about my niece last night... it was so real and she was so precious. dang it, i miss her and her sweet parents.

+ i've begun tanning to get some color before the wedding.

so sleepy: no coffee today, only orange tea for my throat. baaad choice, i'm going to fall asleep at the keyboard...

happy monday!

i'm not walking away,

2011-10-20T08:53:00.000-07:00

i'm just hearing what you're saying for the first time;
sounds like hallelujah for the first time.

yesterday was such a wonderful day; such a needed blessing straight from the perfect hand of God. dan and i weren't seeing each other since 1) he had his life group he leads of junior high guys right after work and 2) we're making a couple changes in our relationship and one of those includes not seeing each other every single day. it's healthy and feels so good knowing we're being intentional about this. but anyway, tuesday i got a text from one of my best friends (meg) asking if her and another really great girlfriend (anna) could come over on wednesday. uh, DUH! so they came over right after work, we went to sally beauty supply to grab hair color because i've been dying to color my hair dark again. it had been way way waaay too long. so we went and grabbed that, anna and i talked meg into coloring her hair as well, grabbed froyo at my absolute favorite place that i haven't gotten to eat in weeks, drove back to my place, and got busy! here's a picture of it done this morning before work,

love it love it.
i feel so blessed today. the girls ended up staying four hours later than they expected, but oh goodness i'm so glad they did. my spirit is so encouraged by yesterday. thank you so much Jesus for great girlfriends.

miles and miles in my bare feet,

2011-10-19T08:51:00.000-07:00

i was not interested in going to my ladies group last night, and the dark night sky was really helping by giving me an excuse: how could i, a lady, walk five and a half blocks alone, in the dark? (i'm more just afraid of the dark, and of what happens in the dark. i don't actually believe women shouldn't walk outside alone.) well, i missed last week, and i'm really trying to stop being such a flake, so i went. oh my goodness, oh my goodness, that's how it nearly always works! when i really don't want to go somewhere, but i end up going, i get so blessed! last night was no exception.

in a way, missing last week was a really huge blessing, because i was sick. and when i'm sick, my sweet older lady friends ask how i'm doing (they all pretty much know i struggle with fibromyalgia) and in turn, i get to ask how important things are doing in their lives. it touches them, and our relationship deepens and grows. oh it was so very wonderful! also, on top of that, i finally got the guts to ask one of the ladies whom the Lord has really been putting on my heart, if she would mentor me. she is a wise, loving, motherly woman and i'm excited, really excited.

i've also decided that i really want to get into the habit of being constantly thankful (God talks about and reiterates thankfulness extensively in His word, and Jesus talked a lot about it during his time on earth as well).

my wednesday thankful list,

1. access to God through Jesus Christ.
i think i take prayer for granted.
it is a HUGE deal that i can talk to God
and i need to take advantage of that.

2. daily interaction with lovely people.

3. a coffee maker to make my own coffee at home.

4. getting to work at the newspaper and be one of the first to know about all of the details of the shooting that occurred last wednesday.

5. walnuts and all of the awesome health benefits of them.

6. the internet.
it's so helpful in staying connected to family back in pa and all of my dear friends. goodness gracious, the internet is such a blessing.

7. half-price milkshake happy hour at ruby's.
enjoyed a wonderful butterfinger one yesterday while working on bible study!

8. all of the awesome work i've been getting to do around the newspaper recently.

9. sleep. i loved sleeping all cozy last night.

10. the ocean, because it makes seal beach cooler than any town further inland.
and i love layering my clothes.

a horrific day,

2011-10-13T12:46:00.001-07:00

and week in seal beach california.
unless you've been living under a rock for the past 24 hours, you would have seen on your tv news, the front page of yahoo news (earlier today), the number one story on google news yesterday for nine hours straight, or on msn's main page that a large attack was made on a small salon in my hometown of seal beach, california. not a lot of details yet (and believe me, i'll be the first to know. i work at the newspaper in this tiny, lovely town.) besides the suspect was caught and taken into custody about an hour after the incident yesterday, and that 6 were killed on the spot followed by 2 others who were rushed to the hospital. that means that one of the nine shot is still alive. tonight is a candlelight vigil at the salon and i think dan and i are going to go. my heart hurts. "some people just get pushed too far" has been the saying of the past two days around these parts. and i agree, it's true. but maybe the part they forget to say is, "some people just push themselves too far away from the Lord." i pray the Lord uses this for His glory. i know He will.

Father, please use me. you've blessed me with this position at the newspaper for Your glory, and please, please, i am willing, please use me.

i had an appointment

2011-10-10T12:47:00.000-07:00

on saturday, and God was the only one who knew it.
well, dan sort of knew it, but it was only a feeling: a deep soul-feeling that's much more than an emotion. and dan knew it had to happen in the town of oak glen, a small piece of southern california that looks like a beautiful mix of virginia and pennsylvania country.

my appointment is something i, along with dan and my Savior, would like to call divine. as you subtly may know, my depression has been off and on, with a lot of on for the past months since i moved to california. dan and i have been digging into a lot of it in our relationship, but there's only so much we can do. God has put it on both our hearts to start pursuing a Christian counselor or therapist, but we hadn't begun yet. sooo, to speed up the process, God did it for us.

saturday in oak glen, california at the first orchard we stopped at - snow line - dan's extroverted self (thank you Jesus that he is so personable and friendly!) compliments these older women on their adorable dog. we start talking to them, somehow finding out they're also believers. dan then asks what the one woman does for a living and she tells us that she is a Christian counselor; one that works with a lot of rosemead (biola's psychology program) and vanguard students working on their hours, so their prices can be pretty reasonable. oh my goodness, that brought me to tears. the woman told me that she knew about depression from experience, first-hand, especially as a believer, and she asked to hug me. i held onto her and just burst into tears, so overwhelmed at God's love for me.

(last week we had JUST talked about this at bible study: God meets us in our ordinary life, in our personal day-to-day moments, that speak intimately to US. this is just what He did for me.)

i couldn't help it after that. she gave her card to both dan and i, us promising her we would call her this week. and as we all said goodbye, i just burst into tears. dan held me in his chest and all i could say, over and over, was wow. wow. wow, wow wow. wow. wow, wow! i was just so overwhelmed. His love is so near and so close and so perfect and so fulfilling and so personal and so intimate.

!!!

i will always turn and follow you,

2011-10-10T08:56:00.000-07:00

what a weekend,
what a glorious weekend.

friday,
was my babe's 25th birthday!
all week leading up to his birthday, i made a special coupon counting down with 24 something's to celebrate the last days of that age! on his birthday morning, i handed him a card i bought last december, saving it intentionally for the man who would one day be my husband: it was very special to both of us. we then had breakfast together, just good ol' cap'n crunch, and headed off to work! i texted him "happy birthday!" throughout the day, and praise the Lord because his work day was also a blessing!

after i got off work, i went back to my apartment and decorated in the fashion i had been planning for a couple of weeks: i hung twine and strung 25 + 1 sweet things i love about him, taped up with washi tape. i did all of the dishes and cleaned up the place, (watched inception), and began getting ready for our night out! i made a reservation here for dinner, got directions on mapquest, and wrote down each piece of the directions in numerical order on separate index cards so he couldn't look ahead. long story short, our service was awful and once our food finally came out, it was either far too bland or way too tasteful. so we told our waitress, and she felt so bad so she covered the cost.

we walked around balboa for a bit after that episode, hopped into a photobooth to take old-fashioned black & white photos, then headed back to seal beach!

mountain view from the freeway.

saturday,
on the drive to dan's birthday dinner, i could see the mountains so clearly, miles away on the horizon; they were so beautiful! so i told him how much i wanted to go to them soon before it gets too too cold. he looks over at me with this gigantic grin on his face and says, tomorrow we're going to oak glen in the foothills of the mountains to the apple orchards. i've been planning for a couple weeks now. at that moment, it felt like it was my birthday weekend! we had a lovely drive over, sipping on starbucks while listening to this relient k album. we walked around apple orchards, experienced an incredibly divine appointment by the Lord's loving and beautiful hand (more detail in the next blog post), chose apples, washed said apples, and pressed them into our own gallon of apple cider, took lots of pictures, enjoyed yummy farm foods, and got to feed and love on a sweet baby fawn.

at the snow line orchard.

same mountain, different picture.

waiting to press our cider.

our cider!

the sweetest deer ever.

sunday,
was a really good, needed day of relaxing and recuperating. my sciatica has been totally out of whack all weekend because i wore heels friday night; turns out i can't wear heels or wedges anymore (/sort of a bummer). all in all, an amazing weekend full of so much love, blessing, and fun. tonight we have our very first pre-marital counseling session! seriously so excited!

happy monday!

don't go without me,

2011-10-06T09:55:00.001-07:00

tomorrow is the big day!

dan turns 25: it's his official last unmarried birthday, and my very first birthday with him. i'm a little nervous because one person has never meant so much to me, but i'm also pretty dang broke.

you know what that means?! creativity! last friday i started doing this little countdown, and every day i would hand him a notecard either wrapped in ribbon or kept together by a clothespin, and they have all been coupons for him to redeem then, or to save for later.

i don't want to give away any details for tomorrow, because dan will choose the most random times to read my blog. (hi baby!) but i'm excited and really looking forward to it. i just hope he doesn't have super super high expectations. i pray the Lord goes before me all day long so that i can just bless dan's sweet heart.

please pray it goes smoothly!

smile list, v. 2

2011-10-05T09:05:00.000-07:00

here are a few things that have made me so very happy lately:

these sweet, lovely calling cards,

this adorable star-wars inspired greeting card,

this dainty love ring,

making mine and dan's wedding website,

all of this wonderful rainy, southern california weather,

this adorable tinkerbell pumpkin,

gorgeous angelique houtkamp tattoo,

pretty waves,

retro star wars poster,

reading is sexy,

watching band of brothers, seeing winters and lewis together,

planning dan's birthday (in two days!),

laughing on the way home from small group with all older women,

last week's episode of the office,

and all of this wedding planning!

happy wednesday, enjoy this rain if you're in the same climate as me, and ask God to use you! i'm begging Him to use me, to show me how He wants me to grow and change. oh, and my fibro is real bad lately... must be the rain.

the smell before rain,

2011-10-04T09:56:00.000-07:00

enjoying the most delightful caramel macciatio from javatini's here in seal beach as the rain is pouring outside; apparently this is so cal fall. must update fall wardrobe asap or i'm gonna be freezin' at work!

what a life i am blessed to lead. as dan and i have been planning our wedding since we moved it to pennsylvania and it will be happening on december 31st of this year, God's hand couldn't be more evident. for example, we found (or should i say my awesome momma found) the most perfect reception venue, on new year's eve, in western pa. now if that wasn't enough, it's only $500 to rent. on top of that, the church that is allowing us to get married from out of state, and not just allowing us but is eager to help us, is only a block and a half away from the reception site, is beautiful, and free. want some more? well, turns out the awesome caterer the Lord happened to have the people at the reception site mention to my mom, is run by this most lovely woman. she attends this church that used to be pastored by my parents' church now interim-pastor. and, on the day my mom went down to pittsburgh to meet with nikki, the owner of the business, that same pastor was coming shortly after.

okay, is that enough? well, it's not for our awesome and huge God. the man whom i've always dreamed of marrying my future husband and myself is a pilot; he's not a pastor. he is, however, an elder at his church, and very much a spiritual leader. well, he flew into lax this past saturday night and rented a car. he then met dan and i for church sunday morning then took us out for lunch, getting to know dan more and seeing how we are as a couple.

seriously, God?!

i know He loves me. and i have been working on making it more of a habit as of late to be thanking him more rather than asking for things. it's encouraging and awesome and i love how joy is a choice. (something i must remind myself of often.)

a small update on my depression: it's there, it's present, but God is becoming more my strength than ever before. yes i might feel insecure, but both God and dan remind me often of their love for me. i'm not letting it have as much reign as i was in past weeks. i'm making an effort to exercise more, clean, work on stuff, read, whatever, and slowly but surely i'm climbing out of the pit. it's a journey, and it won't end soon, but that's okay. dan is patient with me, i will eventually learn the best ways to deal with my anger (i pray with all of my heart) and i am blessed.

to be honest though, one thing i am wondering about is ministry: i have this constant battle to fight against my own mind and that in itself takes all of my energy and strength. how can i be a light for God in this? how can i? God please teach me, please open my eyes wider than they've been before. please.

bio-luminescence,

2011-09-30T11:24:00.000-07:00

wow, wow, wow. wow. WOW.
have you ever loved something SO much, so much so that whenever you think about it or see it, something just happens in the deepest depths of your soul that makes you giddy and excited? and when you think that it truly couldn't get any better, or in fact it never even crosses your mind that it might, bam! it takes your breath away and blows your mind more than ever before?!

well last night after some nice after-dinner relaxation (band of brothers), dan and i decided to walk down to the beach. we were starting out on the pier and as we began to see the waves crashing below us, i couldn't believe my eyes. first, i thought someone must be shining blue lights down on the waves, or taking pictures with a blue flash, but then my heart jumped and dan got really excited, telling me we had to go down to the beach to see it. when we walked down off of the pier -now i'm not exaggerating- i saw the coolest, most beautiful and awesome thing i have ever seen in my entire almost-22 years of life. can i say that enough? can words do it justice? it was like aurora borealis had crashed into the ocean. everytime a wave would barrel or crash, the white part would turn electric blue and glow. i could not contain my excitement, and for at least a half an hour, everytime a wave would crash, i would scream and say wow over and over. it still gives me giddyness just remembering what it looked like.

God made the ocean even more awesome than i could have ever known! it was as if in every single wave i saw, God was saying: "you are more beautiful to me than this; i love you so much that i wanted to share this awesome thing with you. i love you so much."

here are a couple of pictures i found on google,
but they hardly do the real thing justice:

so rad! thank you Lord!

eugene roe,

2011-09-29T12:21:00.001-07:00

dan and i have been watching and episode of band of brothers every night after work and dinner, and we are beyond hooked. anyway, the medic, eugene roe, prayed an awesome prayer last night:

"Lord grant that i shall never seek so much to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, or to be loved as to love, with all my heart. with all my heart."

oh, and ps:
my two favorite bands, florence and the machine and deas vail are both coming out with a new album in october. (deas vail's comes out on october 11, and florence and the machine on october 31.)

for i am made new,

2011-09-28T08:48:00.001-07:00

God began something in my heart either last night at my ladies' group about my blog (and my life), and He affirmed it by this blog post by casey. my blog isn't just a pretty place to do pretty things. this is my voice on the internet, and it's important for me to use it to the glory of God, and to share and be raw and open with you ladies. we need - no matter what anyone else says - to know we're not alone, to know that it's okay to feel far from God even if there's no presence of known sin in your heart (because as He tells us, He is always near), to feel depression in your depths even though most of the church has taught us that if you're depressed, you must not be fully relying on God.

so i'm going to do that from now on. this is about being open and full of Christ's love, and full of the marvelous flight of me, even when it doesn't feel marvelous. because God's fingerprints are all over me (and you!) and He honors me; He calls me beautiful. even when i don't feel it, because emotions are not truth. God's word alone is truth.

i am struggling a lot, have been for exactly one week now. my depression is being constantly reflected into the beautiful mirror of dan's life and i am hurting him, and he is being so patient, loving, and affirming of me. something is going on inside of me, something that i hate and can hardly control and have been begging the Lord to change and grow out of me. my depression brings along with it, something similar to an inferiority complex. it's awful, it makes me angry, and as soon as i lash out, my pride grows up, and it takes a battle for me to even apologize. but the anger is what i don't understand. i've gotten so upset with dan in the past few days for some beyond silly stuff; stuff that is so irrelevant to anything in life. it's almost as if i feel threatened by him.

so i have been praying a lot about it, have been getting into the Bible a lot and have been reading stuff on depression, and the problem is hardly getting better. it really is like i am not capable to stop myself when the anger hits. so i am broken, fully relying on the truth that has been recently re-revealed to me that i must fight for the truth to dwell in me, even (and especially) when i don't feel like the truth is true.

for the eyes of the Lord move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His. 2 chronicles 16:9

just some black ink, on some blue lines

2011-09-26T14:16:00.000-07:00

i've been looking for a fun one of these to do for a while now:

favorites,

what was your favorite food when you were a child?

cheesecake and fruit roll-ups.

what’s the #1 most played song on your iPod?

howl, by florence and the machine.

what is one of your favorite quotes?

"i'm looking for that clearer water,

i'll never be thirsty again.

if i could just touch the robe, it could all be over,

and all of my sorrows would end."

what’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?

reading, cuddling, walking along the beach.

what chore do you absolutely hate doing?

washing the floors, putting sheets on the bed.

what is your favorite form of exercise?

yoga, walking.

what is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?

of day: right before the sun goes down.

of the week: friday.

of the year: october.

what’s your least favorite mode of transportation?

skateboarding, because i'm not confident in my ability whatsoever.

what is your favorite body part?

on myself? my hands and sternum.

what sound do you love?

dan's voice.

if... questions,

if you could throw any kind of party,

what would it be like and who would it be for?

well, i threw a surprise 50th birthday party for my parents this past february, and helped throw mine and dan's california engagement party, so if i could, i would probably throw a big birthday party for dan.

if you could paint a picture of any scenery you’ve seen before,

what would you paint?

the ocean, skyline, and sunset the night dan proposed to me.

if you could choose to stay a certain age forever,

what age would it be?

no idea, i've not been all the ages yet.

but maybe like, 27 would be a perfect age?

if you knew the world was ending in 2012,

what would you do differently?

quit my job, take out a loan, travel the world with dan and my parents, evangelize and tell everyone the goodness of the Lord.

if you could choose anyone,

who would you pick as your mentor?

i'm not sure, but i know i would want her to be older, wiser, more mature than myself, and someone who loves following the guidance of the Lord.

if you could witness any event past, present or future,

what would it be?

in a weird, strange way, my heart longs for tragedy. i have no idea why or how, but to have been here during the depression and world war 2, but to know all of the things we know now about them, to just be here to help, that would be awesome.

if you could learn to do anything,

what would it be?

write. write really, really well.

and cook.

and surf.

and sign language.

if you had to work on only one project for the next year,

what would it be?

plan my wedding. oh wait... :P

if you were immortal for a day,

what would you do?

aren't i already? i mean, in a way, i'm immortal and invincible until i die.

if you had to change your first name,

what would you change it to?

emerson.

if you could meet anyone, living or dead,

who would you meet?

paul the apostle.

if you won the lottery,

what is the first thing you would do?

give to a few separate charities including world vision, pay for my parents' support to go to china, invest the rest.

if you were reincarnated as an animal/drink/ice cream flavor,

what would it be?

i don't even believe in this, but i would choose to be reincarnated as a lion.

that would be so rad.

if you could know the answer to any question,

besides “what is the meaning of life?”, what would it be?

well considering i already know that answer anyway, i would probably ask...

when will my fibromyalgia go away and will i ever stop being depressed?

if you could be any fictional character,

who would you choose?

hermione granger.

personal questions,

which celebrity do you get mistaken for?

catherine, the duchess of cambridge.

what do you want to be when you grow up?

a momma and a blessing of a wife.

when you have 30 minutes of free-time,

how do you pass the time?

usually read, wedding plan, pray, or call a friend.

what would you name the autobiography of your life?

the marvelous flight of cara,

go figure.

what songs are included on the soundtrack to your life?

a few by copeland, the civil wars, tim mcgraw, deas vail, relient k, mumford & sons, and florence and the machine.

personal history questions,

have you ever had something happen to you that you thought was bad

but it turned out to be for the best?

yes, definitely. leaving ntbi and any breakup i ever went through.

what was one of the best parties you’ve ever been to?

mine and dan's engagement party back in pa; it was full of so much love.

what was the last movie, TV show or book that made you cry or tear up?

the shack.

what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done?

left ntbi, and broke up with stephen.

what was the last experience that made you a stronger person?

moving out to cali.

what did you do growing up that got you into trouble?

dated people against my parents' wishes, went on the computer when my parents specifically told me not to.

when was the last time you had an amazing meal?

hmmm. saturday evening with dan.

what’s the best/worst gift you’ve ever given/received?

best i've ever given: party to my parents for their 50th birthdays.

worst i've ever given: oh i've given some lame gifts...

best i've ever received: an engagement ring.

worst i've ever received: hmmm...

what do you miss most about being a kid?

sledding down the hill in the cemetery, always having brent around, staying up late watching the twilight zone while my momma was still at the hospital for work, the friends i had.

what is your first memory of being really excited?

what i remember very clearly is when i turned six, i was so excited that my age was now on two hands, and my grampa got me an awesome barbie.

what was the first thing you bought with your own money?

candy, probably. from kemp's.

when was the last time you were nervous?

sunday, when i met jeremy and jason (dan's best friends) for the first time.

what is something you learned in the last week?

that we should've been planning our wedding in pa all along. ♥

at what age did you become an adult?

i would say, about nineteen.

today is actually autumn... woops,

2011-09-23T12:53:00.000-07:00

thank you so much for voting yesterday.
we have officially decided on friday, december 30th to get married!
can't wait!

and guess what else,
finally made an about me page on my blog.
it's got its own link page and everything, right up there ^^^
check it out!

again, thank you!
and happy weekending! dan has a youthgroup all-nighter tonight so i won't see him, but that means i get the apartment to myself. i think i'm going to clean, work on some wedding stuff, rent a couple chick flicks, enjoy ice cream, and maybe even make some puppy chow! and get to bed early. and spend time down at the ocean. aaaah, september in so cal really rocks.

hello fall! so nice to see you,

2011-09-21T08:46:00.001-07:00

whoa whoa whoa! it's officially autumn!!! and before i even remembered that, guess what God gave me on my walk to work this morning? a pretty burnt-orange leaf! i even picked it and carried it to work, and now it's sitting beside me on my desk. i think that's so neat! that He gave me that surprise little treat here in southern california, about three blocks from the beach!
happy autumn!!!

little fun fact: i've never ever been in california during any season but spring and summer. also, guess what! we're moving our wedding up a couple months. AND, across the country to my home state of pennysylvania! i'm so thankful. oh, so beyond thankful. my momma gets to have her hand in wedding planning, and it just all feels so right! i praise God for this exciting breakthrough.

also also, went to my ladies' bible study last night. i'm the youngest one there by at least ten years, but it's so sweet and encouraging to be around older women who love the Lord and want to live for him. i pray the Lord uses me there and grows me.

if i could just touch the robe,

2011-09-16T12:07:00.001-07:00

goodness gracious, this week has been awfully rough. last weekend was unbelievable. it was almost like the calm before the storm. friday night, dan and i went to our good friend jeremy's 29th birthday party down in irvine. i got to meet a lot of wonderful people who dan has known for a bit. i fell into place so easily!

we stayed the night down in irvine and saturday morning we had the most amazing hail and thunderstorm southern california has seen in yeeeears. oh my gosh, it lasted so long, the thunder was so loud, and it was beautiful. after the storm we hung out down in irvine until the evening, came back up north, and did some laundry! sunday morning was church: i got to help out in the nursery, met some lovely ladies, got to meet with the wonderful children's ministry leader and get my training, then dan and i went to ikea! we enjoyed lunch together and got a few new things for my apartment. (i will upload pictures soon! it's so difficult when i don't have the internet in my home.)

tuesday of this week, though, is when it got baaad. i was really looking forward to the first meeting of my ladies' small group i decided to join in seal beach, but after work i was dog-tired. i layed down to take a nap, fell asleep, woke up about 20 minutes before the meeting feeling so awfully sick. i ended up staying home, but being very aware of the fact of needing to fellowship with someone. so i called my best friend matron of honor who happens to live up in durham, canada. instead, her husband answered, telling me she was at the hospital with his sister because she was probably going to be having a baby. (his sister, not lauren) so that was exciting, but i didn't get to talk to her. someone i was needing to call, my friend stephen, then came to mind. we went to ntbi together and he had been wanting to catch me up on his life and the special lady in it. we had a great talk, and i ended by praying. once we hung up, i lay on my bed screaming and crying out to God, being so hurt and wondering why in the world God decided to take me from the path which i thought he wanted me on: the path of tribal missions. i still don't understand it, and i don't think i ever will this side of heaven.

don't get me wrong, i see the blessings in my life: i see where i live, the love i have from my parents and fiance, i have the best job, work for the best boss, i'm in children's ministry at the most amazing church, but to be honest, i feel like it's all to appease me. i know God's not like that. i know that He, for some reason, has chosen to bless me in some of the most awesome ways right now, but the appeasing part comes in when i look at my health:

when i can barely walk because my sciatica is numbing my entire right leg and aching down the whole right side of my back. when my depression causes me to treat the man i love more than anyone with anger and meanness. when my fibromyalgia causes me to feel so misunderstood and alone. and when this new infection scares me half to death and gives me my first fever in years. it's forcing me to relax this weekend, i mean really relax, so that's a benefit. i just wish i had all of the harry potter movies to enjoy at my place. bahha. anyway. prayer is what i need. and if the Lord, for some reason, offers to trade your health for mine, could you maybe do it for a little bit? i don't remember the last time i felt well-rested, achy-less, or even healthy.

pray, pray, and pray some more.
dan tells me i'm strong but i feel so weak. but on a bit of a brighter note: i'm planning a bunch of sweet things for dan's birthday that i just can't wait to bring to fruition.
happy weekending!

now you're gracefully falling away,

2011-09-13T11:25:00.000-07:00

since i made a summertime list here back in june, it gave me the thought to begin doing them for every season! even though it's not after september 23 yet, school has started back up for all of my friends who are still students, and back in pa the leaves are already beginning to change.

my fall checklist,
+ visit brent, christy, & madeline in ~~arizona~~ kansas

+decorate my apartment for halloween check!

+carve pumpkins check!

+make butterbeer

+go up north while leaves are still on the trees check!

+plan and enjoy our cali engagement party check!

+bake pies / fall cupcakes

+tie details together for wedding planning

+read more novels

+have a harrypotter marathon numbers 1 - 3, check!

+go camping (preferably yosemite)

+learn more healthy recipes / eat better making diet changes check!

His hands are where i rest,

2011-09-07T18:28:00.000-07:00

i will never ever forget last night.
honestly and truly it began just like any other night (except my momma was in town). it was her last night here and she had to wake up early the next morning (today) so she fell asleep after she told dan and i to go right ahead and enjoy an evening walk together. we walked out the apartment door and began heading toward the beach; we had no money, no shoes, (except i brought my rainbows just in case) just each others' hand in our own. the sun had already set and families and couples were walking away from the beach to head back up to main street. as dan and i walked toward the pacific ocean, he began telling me all of the reasons why it was just so surreal to him. we sat down in the sand together and he held me so sweetly, so sweetly, i will never forget how i felt in his warm, safe arms. as we talked a bit more, i don't remember the order in which these things happened, but we ran around trying to catch each other, giggling and tickling, teasing, splashing through the water together. he picked me up and carried me over the water as the waves rolled in, me feeling something for the first time in my life which i never felt before: 100% trust and 100% love, absolutely 100% intertwined together. i wanted to burst! he is such a trustworthy man, such a man of God like i've never known before (besides my sweet daddy). i'm sitting here in the coffee bean and tea leaf with the goofiest smile on my face, just remembering the sweetness of last night. what a gift! what an awesome blessing full of LOVE from none other than the King of the universe! i am so blessed.

aside from that, all i want to do is wear my wedding gown. and i'm really sad that my momma left this morning. i wish her and my daddy could move to seal beach and live here with dan and i and aaah.... but then, maybe life would be too comfortable. God can see everything and that is such a relief. even though it hurts, it's so easy to rest in Him when i've seen His hand work so miraculously and lovingly. His will be done.

i need a pet fawn.

also, i need fellowship. good, real, raw fellowship with women of God. or a woman of God. just, consistent. and honest. Lord, i ask you to please bless me in this way. please. i know you want to give me this, so i ask humbly to receive it from You.

the weekend my momma came to visit,

2011-09-06T13:04:00.001-07:00

last friday my mom flew in, four days after i flew back from pa and it couldn't have been sooner. it's her first time in so cal and i asked her if she wanted to go to hollywood or los angeles and she said no. (understandably... oops! did i type that?) but the things she did want to do?

+get javatini's coffee
+see knott's berry farm
+walk on the seal beach pier
+check out where i work
+help furnish my awesome new apartment
+spend a lot of time with dan and i
+find and purchase my wedding gown
+grab lunch together during my work day
+meet my boss
+have dinner on the beach
+take lots of pictures
+ride my beach cruiser around town
+spoil me.

it has rocked, and sadly, tomorrow morning she will fly back to pa. i don't want her to leave. in fact, i want my daddy to fly out here so that we can all live near each other and it won't ache so strongly in the depth of my stomach when i need them. same with my best friends from pa: you know who you are. but, who knows? maybe i'll be seeing everyone sooner than expected... but that's for another time.

summer never ends in so cal,

2011-09-02T13:11:00.000-07:00

i am still alive! i promise! as is per usual, life is busy but so very wonderful. my job is... beyond what i could've asked the Lord for. the friendships i have and the people i know in town, the tasks i get to do throughout the day in downtown seal beach, the awesome boss i work for, there are just so many ways the Lord is choosing to rain down His love on me!

dan and i flew home to pennsylvania last weekend for an engagement party and i got to see some of my very best friends in the world and spend time with the two best parents ever. here are lots of pictures,

at john wayne airport, about to fly east.

my sweet parents and myself.

my fiance and i. ♥

eating delicious foods!

my sweet kate! one of my bridesmaids.

jaden: our first normal picture together ever.

me, my dress, and such yummy food.

some of my very best ladies and me.

silly silly!

the story behind that amazing zara dress: i felt awful spending 60 dollars on that beautiful piece of art. my mom had given me fifty bucks to buy myself a lovely engagement dress and dan was willing to pay the other ten, so it wasn't even like i was spending the money. but that didn't matter to me. sixty dollars on one dress? but dan was right. i'm only engaged once, and it's beautiful. oh my goodness it's so beautiful. i want to wear it all of the time. i'm so glad i bought it.

i moved into my new studio apartment once we came back from pa. i can walk to work now. and decorate and organize just like i like. although i've barely had time since i've moved in to actually do anything other than sleeping and eating there. soon things will calm down, though! after my mom leaves, of course, 'cause she just flew in twenty minutes ago and is flying out on wednesday! a whole weekend plus extra days! which means wedding gown shopping tomorrow!!! and ikea but really... what's more of a dream come true for any girl besides wedding gown shopping? i can't wait i can't wait i can't wait.

i'm having more fun on tumblr lately now that i've figured it out. also i'm watching a ton of the old nineties show, northern exposure. live this beautiful life, and live it full and abundant for the one true God!

love, cara.

rip the earth in two with your mind,

2011-08-22T16:05:00.000-07:00

it's monday,
and you know what that means!
no? you don't? well here, i'll show you.

this monday means...
+ working 8:30am till 5pm between two offices.
+ taking a walk in the morning to deliver some newspapers.
+ walking two blocks over to my soon-to-be studio apartment on the first half of my break, and having a nice visit with the sweet older man moving out this weekend.
+ getting an iced mocha on the second half of my break.
+ flying to pa with my fiance in three days. (!!!)
+ catching up on e-mails.
+ online window-shopping at ikea, bed bath and beyond, and other places for apartment stuff.
+ (hopefully) getting laundry done tonight!
+ and dreading working another 9 to 5 tomorrow...

church was awesome yesterday. the message was on suffering, and God held my heart so lovingly in His hands while He pulled some stuff out of me. it involved a lot of crying and a lot of prayer. then, the youth service was also awesome! sunday was a great day, and dan and i found an engagement dress for me for this friday when we go home for the party my momma planned! it's from zara and it is so delicate and vintagey. i love it.

a good note,

2011-08-18T14:50:00.001-07:00

so i'm moving soon, from la mirada to a place in seal beach right near my work. and even though it is so clearly a gift from the Lord, i'm sad with how i have to leave my first home in ca. i'm aware of my many faults and wrong thinking i had with that house and the sweet girls in it, and i'm really really sorry for that.

in my defense, i have been struggling mentally and emotionally with moving 2500 miles across the country, being away from the two very best parents anyone could ever have, not having a job (at first) nor a car, becoming engaged and hardly having anyone to share the excitement with, planning a wedding, and eventually getting a job. it's been a lot and has included a ton of transitions. unfortunately and disgustingly, my depression is out of my control. my thinking that i know is wrong, feels so right and i have no proof that should make me believe otherwise. dan reminds me of my positional truths in the Lord, of the truths of his own love for me, and those alone are hard enough to accept. anything more has just sort of been... kicked to the curb in forgetfulness because otherwise i drown in the many lists of things i need to focus on and grow in.

now let's get back to happiness.
God is good and gracious and loving, and He accepts me every way i am, all of the time. what could be better?

i'm running to Your arms,

2011-08-17T09:34:00.000-07:00

i’m running to Your arms,
the riches of Your love
will always be enough.
nothing compares to Your embrace,
light of the world forever reign.
(a quick way to blog this morning:)

1. what time did you get up this morning?
6:51am, on the dot.

2. how do you like your steak?
medium rare.

3. what was the last film you saw at the cinema:
harry potter and the deathly hallows, pt. 2.

4. what is your favourite TV show?
the office.

5. if you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
where i already am: southern cali.

6. what did you have for breakfast?
honey nut cheerios, half of a peach, and oj.

7. what is your favorite food?
pizookies? steak? chicken caesar salad? i have lots.

8. foods you dislike?
tofu. beets.

9. favorite place to eat?
ruby's or in n' out.

10. favorite dressing?
ranch.

11. what kind of vehicle do you drive?
i don't.

12. what are your favorite clothes?
my body-con skirts, my dark ae flared jeans, dresses.

13. where would you visit if you had the chance?
italy and the united kingdom.

14. cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
1/2 full for sure.

15. where would you want to retire?
on a farm.

16. favorite time of day?
when the shadows are long and the sun's still in the sky but just about to go down.

17. where were you born?
florida.

18. what is your favorite sport to watch?
surfing and soccer.

19. what is your favorite fragrance?
dan's face lotion on his face. and burberry brit red perfume.

20. what is your favorite face cream?
clinique dramatically different gel.

21. favorite baby/kids products?
no experience with this one.

22. people watcher?
absolutely.

23. are you a morning or night person?
night.

24. do you have any pets?
not my own.

25. any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
i'm getting married soon! and i get to go back to pa in nine days to visit my family!

26. what did you want to be when you were little?
a mama.

27. what is your favorite memory?
seeing dan in the airport walking toward me for the first time.

28. are you a cat or dog person?
both. especially if the cats are low-maintenance.

29. are you married?
engaged to be!

30. always wear your seat belt?
of course!

31. been in a car accident?
yes.

32. any pet peeves?
negative attitudes. or being forced into social situations when my introverted self doesn't want to be.

33. favorite pizza toppings?
lots of cheese, spinach, olives.

34. favorite flower?
i love them all, but my FAVORITE favorite is baby's breath.

35. favorite ice cream?
blue bell butter pecan.

36. favorite fast food restaurant?
in n' out.

37. how many times did you fail your driver's test?
once.

38. from whom did you get your last email?
my momma.

39. which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
asos.com

40. do anything spontaneous lately?
hmmm... not really...

41. like your job?
love it. i am so blessed

42. Broccoli?
with cheese.

43. what was your favorite vacation?
my week vacation to cali back in march, before i moved here.

44. last person you went out to dinner with?
danny!

45. what are you listening to right now?
my boss talk to the sales team for the newspaper.

46. what is your favorite color?
pale pink and navy blue.

47. how many tattoos do you have?
one!

48. coffee drinker?
definitely.

You are more, You are more
than my words will ever say.
You are Lord, You are Lord
all creation will proclaim.
You are here, You are here
in your presence I'm made whole.
You are God, You are God
of all else i'm letting go.

for my dear momma,

2011-08-11T08:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Heavenly Father,

I thank you for such an amazing woman whom I get to call my mother; a woman who birthed me nearly 22 years ago and who has not, for one single second, stopped loving me; a woman who has stayed when the whole world has walked out; a woman who has told me ‘no’ because she loved me, not because she wanted to be seen as an ogre; and a woman who has not sheltered me but rather allowed my independence (but DEpendence upon You) to blossom and grow.

She is a woman that I look up to more than any other one single person on Your planet, one I can only hope to be half the wife and mother that she is and has become, she is my best friend; she understands the deepest parts of me: my depression, my flaws, my fibromyalgia, my wrong-thinking, and only loves me more.

She has been my strength when I have been weak, she has carried me in love to Your throne room daily since I was a small little wee (and continues to). She has pursued me when I have only wanted to push her away, and without her I would not be any part of the woman I am right now.

I thank You for her, and I beseech You to bless her; to pour your love onto this most wonderful daughter of Yours. I thank You for her friendship, her deep and strong motherly love, and all of her holy characteristics she can get from none other than YOU alone.

I pray for the huge transition of her first trip out of the country to China; she is going for You, following Your heart and the call she and my sweet daddy believe You to have put on their lives. I pray that You will answer the questions she needs answered and leave the ones that are unnecessary to be answered for her trust in You to grow.

Can anyone truly be named the woman of the century when they haven’t interviewed my momma? How can anyone say that their mom is the best when mine truly and actually is, and how can I not grieve inside my heart knowing that my relationship will never be the same with her? I thank You for what You’ve blessed us with, for the love of my momma that comes directly from You, for a love I don’t think I ever truly felt the weight of until this evening.

I adore her, I admire her, I respect her, I love her, and I need her. And she can only come from You, for she is a glimpse of You.

God, thank You.

Thank You.

In Your son’s holy, perfect, and amazing name, amen.

back here,

2011-08-09T09:06:00.000-07:00

today,
i work at the newspaper until 3pm.
i get to go to the beach on my lunch break.
i am going to go lay out on the beach after i get off work.
i need to take a nap.
i want to spend some good time in prayer.

soon,
i must find an engagement dress.
dan and i need to find a ceremony venue for our wedding.
we also need to make a guest list...
and decide on save-the-dates.
i get to move in to my own apartment.
and i get to decorate it!

oh, and i need a whole entire new computer at work. it's been the culprit for my sciatic acting up, and my boss said we can't be having that. (for obvious reasons.) and we have our a/c working again, which means i'm thankful i wore long leggings and a tunic today.

a list of priorities that have been rattling around inside of my brain and i just need to get down on paper, (not in any particular order)
my relationship with God,
my relationship with dan,
work,
relationship with best friends,
wedding planning,
exercise,
moving out of my old house,
time for relaxing.

the 411,

2011-08-08T11:12:00.000-07:00

this is my 411th post!

so much is going on right about now in the marvelous life of cara. (the way my computer and keyboard are positioned pinched my sciatic nerve last week, and i'm really irritated that all of the chords are too short for me to re-position the dang thing.) dan's family has been in town since last tuesday and are staying until this thursday (some are even staying till saturday). it has been an overwhelming but pretty nice time!

saturday, dan and i went to long beach to talk to his friend about renting his shop for our wedding reception. it's official that we are having it there and i couldn't be happier. it's a bit small, but it's totally dan and i. saturday night, dan's momma had a mini-family-engagement party for us and we had champagne and gluten-free brownies. yummy. work has been going very very well: on friday i walked down to the ocean on my lunch break and put my feet in the water. it's been fun buying new clothes for work, especially with dan as my own personal shopper reminding me to focus on basics right now.

one of my bridesmaids and best friends flew home to cali last thursday night and came over to dan's for dinner on friday night. she brought her bridesmaids dress (my first time seeing it in person) and i love it. it's exactly what i imagined. also, i'm beyond excited to move into my studio apartment. why can't the middle-to-end of september come sooner?! i can't wait to walk to work after walking to the beach in the morning and having time with the Lord. i can't wait to be able to walk home for lunch. aaah. yes, thank You Jesus!

would love to decorate it like this...

or this!

a dazzling place i never knew,

2011-08-04T11:53:00.001-07:00

how did this happen? and where do i start? to use an analogy daniel used yesterday, it's like the movie inception; i feel like i'm in the middle of a dream because i have no idea how i got where i am now. i moved from pa to ca, east to west, 2500 miles! i'm engaged to the most magnificent man of God, i'm in children's ministry in an awesome church, i'm working a job i hardly imagined for myself (not as a career. i've just always wanted to work in an office as a receptionist and assistant, and on top of that, i'm working for a newspaper!), and i'm moving into the sweetest studio apartment that happens to be four blocks from the beach and two blocks from my work! is this really my life?

on top of that, i work with some of the sweetest people who are so helpful to me. and in this small beach-town community, i've already met and spent time with a few of the well-known folk. i wish you could come here and hop inside my mind, right behind my eyes, while i walk around and show you the cute little main street: the coffee shops and clothing boutiques, diners, ice cream parlors, and then walk you down to the edge of the beach where benches lie about and you can hear the waves and feel the ocean breeze. again, is this really my life?

i had a small breakdown last night, though. yesterday i felt myself becoming more and more scared and finally got to the point that i just had to cry. i just don't want to become complacent, stagnant, or comfortable. so i prayed, cried, and talked to dan about it. i wanna be used for the Lord's kingdom. i want to so badly, more than anything else.

sweet california.

sleepy day,

2011-08-02T16:58:00.001-07:00

soooo worn out.
got a new job, praise the Lord.
on main street in the cutest beach town on the planet.
now just need to find a new apartment in walking / riding-my-bike distance!
oh, how the good Lord provides.
OH! and need to find a venue for the wedding!

our summer skin,

2011-07-22T16:20:00.001-07:00

summertime!
i love summer. but what do i do when i'm living in a part of the country where it's basically always summer? never complain, i guess. and be excited out of my mind at any time of the year. i'm so happy here, i still can hardly believe this is real life...

seeing my sweet fiance every single day, eating delicious ripe fruits, planning a wedding, sleeping in? but ugh, my fibro is stinky still. i really really need to be getting to bed earlier at night, i know that will change some stuff. and i do miss my parents, and planning my wedding without my momma in the same state is difficult at times. i am constantly making lists to remember everything. venue shopping this weekend in san clemente and san juan capistrano, also buying an engagement dress soon, and have found my bridesmaids' dresses!

also, applied for a job today that's in downtown seal beach (mine and dan's dream town to live in) as a receptionist. praying they call me for an interview!

gonna be making a wedding blog soon. will link it up here!

diamonds,

2011-07-13T19:13:00.001-07:00

my very first diamond, my engagement ring symbolizing the love between the man of my dreams and myself, and my absolute most prized possession:

details: size 6, yellow 14k gold, solitaire setting, round diamond, half carat. literally the ring i've been dreaming of since i was a little girl now resides on my left ring finger.

!!!

excuse me for one moment,

2011-07-08T17:59:00.001-07:00

i realized something about the happy things in life:
there will always be someone (if not more) that will try to ruin the happy things with negativity, judgement, and/or rude comments.

who knew that engagement, aka one of the very happiest times of my life, ever could be seen as weak, unhealthy, or whatever else people want to assume it is? since when did it become "normal" to consider singleness to be strength and dating, engagement, or marriage as weakness. it bothers me. if you didn't have enough interest in my life, who i am as a woman of God, or my relationship with the man of my dreams before, what gives you the right to step in when you see something you believe to be wrong, and talk it down? so what we courted for three months. that's precisely what we did: courted. dan was intentionally pursuing my heart for marriage. and guess what? now we are engaged. is that really a surprise? we weren't dating just to be able to have someone of the opposite sex on our arm, or just to have fun. the whole point from the very beginning has been in consideration of going through life together, in pursuit of growth and the love of our Lord God.

i'm engaged to be married. to the man of my dreams. and i'm beyond happy. it's so surreal and unbelievable how the Lord has guided our friendship, our love, our relationship, and how it has been in HIS time. i'm not sorry if His timing isn't yours.

i'm engaged to be married!

2011-07-07T12:11:00.000-07:00

july 6, 2011.
the day i stopped being a girlfriend,
and became daniel's fiancee.

here's our story!

it was a steaming hot day: low 90's. dan texts me a bit after his lunch break, telling me that down at seal beach (always has been his favorite place in the world, and has become my favorite place. it's this adorable, small, old-fashioned town right by the ocean), there was a summer concert going on, and if we rushed over there as soon as he picked me up from my house, maybe we could catch the end of it. since it was such a hot day, i asked if he would like me to wear a dress or a tank top with shorts. he sent me a smiley emoticon and said to wear a dress. let me note that him asking to go to seal beach randomly was not out of the ordinary; we love to go there any chance we get. also, asking me to wear a dress wasn't odd either, i'm used to him wanting me to dress up with him while he's in his work clothes.

he came to pick me up, and before we left for seal beach, he kept fussing with his hair and his tucked-in dress shirt. i told him he didn't have to fuss, that i am so happy with his appearance and i think he is so gorgeous, so nothing else should matter. little did i know...

around this same time he's texting our mutual friend mike, telling me that mike is headed into his yoga class but that he and Dan need to make plans before he went in, because dan wouldn't get another chance to talk to him anytime soon. we get to seal beach and are driving all around trying to find a parking spot to no avail; we then drive down to the parking lot on the beach (which wasn't odd: we've parked down there a few times before.) he goes to the kiosk to pay, kind of mentions that i can stay at the van, and then i see him on the phone. i begin to wonder why he wanted to take me out for dinner if he was just going to spend OUR time on the phone and texting...

(i can be a fussy little thing...) he was hardly talking to *whoever was on the phone* and sneakily told the other person to text him, and that he had to go. i got all suspicious and asked Dan who it was. he tells me it's mike. dan and i then walk up to the little concert, found out it was kinda lame, then walked back down to the beach. we went to his van, grabbed a blanket so that when we got down to the water we could sit down if we like (all the while being in dress clothes for dinner). We toss our shoes in the van and i'm asking why Dan isn't listening to me, why he won't hear the fact that i'm tired and didn't want to walk down to the shoreline right now, that i'm hungry and just want to get dinner. he sweetly and patiently asks to hold my hand, asks if i trust him, and offers to carry me.

we then get down to the gorgeous shore break as the sun is perfectly and gloriously setting. the warm pacific ocean was licking my ankles and legs as i humbly and shyly turned around to tell Dan that i was glad he had me come down here to watch the sun set and feel the water. but i notice something about him... he's sort of... staying back...

(oh and i forgot to mention that on the drive over, he asked me to tell him specific things that made me happy yesterday. he asked what else could happen to make me even happier, and i just said that ice cream would make me happy...)

while he was staying back on the beach, he was rolling his dress slacks up, so i turn my back to him, kind of giving him time to do whatever he wanted to do (i had a TEENY TINY idea at this point, but i still wasn't convinced...) and then he walked over to me. as he was walking toward me, he sort of had his hands behind his back, and half of me thought he was once again just fussing with tucking in his shirt, but the other half of me was hoping that maybe he was trying to hide a ring box...

he gets up to me and takes me in his arms, just loving on me and asking me if i'm happy. i said that of course i'm happy: "the sunset is perfect, the water is perfect, and you are perfect." he asked if anything in the world could make me happier than i already was. at that point, it crossed my mind to mention that if he proposed, i would be the most happy girl on the planet, but i didn't say it out loud because if he DIDN'T propose, i didn't want to ruin it. instead, i simply said that nothing else could make me happier.

he then took my hands and whispered in my ear, "maybe this will." he then got down on one knee in the wet sand, and all i can remember is that i took in a huge breath of air, i couldn't talk or think, and i had tears in my eyes. of course i squealed and said "yes over and over and kept nodding my head, just in case he didn't get the picture... (he was putting the ring on my finger at this time.)

he then picked me up and swung me around, telling me to wave to Mike, who happens to be a professional photographer, who also happened to be the guy dan was texting and calling all evening... he also did a small shoot with us afterward.

the proposal we mentioned a lot in anticipation of our own was jim and pam's from the office. it's our inside thing. ♥

my post of our courtship...

summertime,

2011-07-05T18:36:00.000-07:00

today,
i made a new friend, emily, who i look forward to seeing again soon.
i handed in my resume to sam's club and electric tan.
i also applied to starbucks and panera bread.
i heard my niece say mama and papa on the phone for the first time.
i am making steaks for dan and i.
i will hopefully go swimming!

yesterday,
i enjoyed independence day with my boyfriend and his parents.
i watched the matrix and understood why it's such an amazing movie.
i saw the hospitable heart of my boyfriend's dear momma.
i put on a small fireworks show for the first time.
i shared a delicious gluten-free red, white, & blue cake.

soon,
my best friend comes to visit in two days!
i go to a dodgers baseball game with dan and lauren.
i will have a job.
i will feel better.

i carry your heart with me,

2011-06-29T15:29:00.000-07:00

i love overnight stays at my man's dear parents' place. that even though it's only about 25 minutes away from my house, it's nice when dan and i have plans right after he gets off work and can't drive to my place to get me. i should probably disclose a bit of information pertaining to how serious dan and i are. (do you know how our relationship happened? if not, here is the summary i posted a little while ago.) i don't want to receive too too many comments with advice when you don't really know me, or my relationship, but i understand that by putting this up on my blog it gives you all the freedom to do as you please. oh well!

here goes... i'm in love. real love. i can't even describe it, nor will i try, but i am so very confident of the depth of the love that the Lord has blessed dan and i with. dan is humble, tender, gentle, masculine, so manly, loving, sweet... oh i love him. so, with another bit of info on top of this, we've gone ring shopping. wow, just typing that seems surreal and ridiculously beyond exciting.

so i'll keep you ladies posted on any necessary news!

so tell me now, where was my fault?

2011-06-27T13:04:00.000-07:00

my God is such a big God; the biggest God, the one and only God, the King of the universe. His love is endless and deeper than my mind can comprehend or even imagine. yesterday, sunday, was a good day. it was beautiful outside, dan and i got sushi for dinner, we bought plane tickets to travel back to pa on august 25th, and we went to church together where we got to hear one of my most favorite preachers. we worshipped our Father through prayer, special communion just for the two of us, learning truth, and musical praise.

pennsylvania.

johnny, the amazing preacher who so evidently is guided and inspired by the Holy Spirit alone, led us in digging deeper into the forth chapter of mark. (we have been in mark the past four weeks, and will continue to be.) before he began preaching, though, the Lord opened my heart up to myself, revealing that i miss my daddy, momma, brother, sister-in-law, and niece more than i thought or expected. this is so out of the ordinary for me because... well, i haven't had the best relationships with these wonderful people in the past. but the Lord began to mend the brokenness about a year and a half ago, in which my mom and dad are now two of my very best friends, whom i respect and look up to more than anyone. brent and christy- i also have such a lovely relationship with them now, one where i love them in a way i didn't think i ever would.

family.

so feeling the ache of missing these amazing people was new, an amazing feeling to have them to miss, to have the relationship with them that pushes me to miss them, rather than say, "good riddance!" these feelings also led me to see the man next to me as such a comfort from the Lord; that the Lord was orchestrating our relationship before i moved out to cali for a reason, one that i knew not i would need, but am now seeing i couldn't be doing without dan by my side. thank You, Jesus, for your powerful omniscience.

anyway, back to the fourth chapter of mark... to be honest, this parable about the farmer and the seeds was one i feel i never had ears to hear and had been begging the Lord to open my ears so i could understand it how He meant it. last night He answered this prayer: one that i didn't think would be answered. it is so awesome to me that this chapter (until verse 21) is about listening! Jesus begins the parable, "listen!" and bookends it with, "he who has ears to hear, let him hear." *in this part of the chapter we see Jesus' "in crowd" which actually turns out to be an amazing club with a secret that isn't actually a secret, rather we want this club to grow, to expand, for our "secret" to not be a secret. such an amazing concept.*

going on, we see clearly that Jesus is talking about Himself as the sower, He is in fact the farmer sowing His seeds amongst everyone, not picking and choosing where He spreads His gospel, rather tossing it about, knowing that some of the "seeds" will land on "good soil," or, ears to hear. what a Lover we have in Christ Jesus. wow.

i'm now officially looking for a job, so please pray the Lord makes it known where He wants me and that He will guide me to where this place is. also, that He will equip my physical body to deal with what He has for me, as my fibro pain has been awful lately. thank you!

some pictures from the past couple of days. ♥

date night in newport beach!

on balboa island.

gettin' ready to surf after 3 months of being out of the water!

back up!

beautiful line of pelicans.

peace out, girl scouts!

into the darkness You shine, out of the ashes we rise

2011-06-24T13:02:00.000-07:00

blogging has seemed such a daunting task as of late. sunday night opened the door to a fibromyalgia meltdown including lots of crying, daniel holding me in his arms, and us beseeching the Lord together for my healing.

sunday also opened up the door to satan, to begin attacking me in the ways he knew even better than i did where i was weak. these weaknesses including expectations of my new home and housemates, being here for three weeks and seeing no improvement in my health, the lack of motivation present in living in such a social house, struggling with money and the thought of money, etc. etc. etc. things i have learned from these weaknesses thus far: it is okay if i am not close to every girl in the house. indeed, it is okay if i am only close with one.

also, i may only be present in this house to bring the aroma of Christ, so i must persevere and remain humble. (thanks Mom!) i have many loved ones who will help me with money if i get into a bind: my parents, daniel, dan's parents, and i know that the Lord will always provide. He remains faithful even when i am faithless. i must discipline the areas of my life that are void of health. i must be conscious of getting to bed earlier, of pushing myself to cook even though all i want to do is eat out, to wake up at a reasonable time to spend time with my first Love, and to exercise.

a short recap of the rest of my week: monday, i went to newport and balboa island which turned out to be a bust. tuesday, i spent the day at dan's with his momma while he was at work; it was a very nice lazy day. tuesday night i went to babysit with one of my housemates where i got punched in the nose harder than you can imagine, where i cried and wanted to leave so badly. wednesday, i babysat the same miserable kids but on a good note, i drove for the very first time in cali! and wednesday night, dan picked me up and took me to 3thirty3 for a very lovely dinner date. thursday i babysat again, and finally got to leave to come back to dan's house and have the most wonderful afternoon with his momma again, with her massaging my migraine out of my head (received from the punch in the nose), kissed my cheek - which led me to crying - shared tea with me, and held me while i cried. i am so blessed, even in the midst of all of this physical pain and psychological attack. today, friday, is another day to de-stress, and then go shopping with dan tonight! i hope to spend time with one of the most lovely ladies i've met so far here in cali soon. sorry for taking so long to blog, and please keep me in your prayers!

ps, i have been watching a ton of project runway lately.

i'm the boss of you,

2011-06-17T17:53:00.000-07:00

today marks the day of my official first period in my official first home in california. it included sleeping in, hanging out with two of my favorite ladies, eating in n out, eating froyo, and lounging around in yoga pants. because let's face it, this day every month, it sort of stinks to be a woman.

aside from that little unhappiness, God has been opening my eyes to a lot of challenges (good challenges) this week. challenges that have made my mind heavy and my heart battle - and still continue to. i have spent my whole life: 21 and a half years in western pennsylvania. to move to california is a, amongst other things, culture shock. yes the weather's different, the climate's different, the people groups are different, but what's been affecting me the most besides the cost of living is the political system.

southern california is basically the specimen under the telescope of our entire nation. coming here, i guess i wasn't fully prepared for the corruption that exists. i have heard people say that the government runs things in a manner literally not just expecting, but absolutely setting us up to fail. i thought that this was just a presumption, that these particular people had been jaded. but in the past week, especially yesterday, the Lord made a point to open my eyes and heart to things i've not seen. i could go into detail about particular examples, but i'll suffice it to say that the man the Lord has brought into my life has an admirable and wise attitude toward all of this. his attitude is something i covet and believe i can definitely learn from. the world we live in is completely sinful, but the Lord has me here for a reason, and i'm very excited to find it.

awake my soul,

2011-06-13T17:26:00.000-07:00

today has been a lovely day including lunch out with just my boyfriend's momma and myself (korean barbecue!!!), gorgeous sunshine, some awesome girl time with my housemates- just hangin' out-, a mini-bike ride with my dear annaken, finishing up week three of the bachelorette, and doin' some laundry! oh, i also got a sweet card in the mail from my momma along with my hello kitty bank of america card! w00t!

this weekend was... a dream. saturday, daniel and i went to seal beach and enjoyed the gorgeous weather and super cute downtown shops. we also visited vintage row and just browsed around for a bit! we then went back to his place and had dinner with his dad. sunday included nordstrom rack, ikea, some much-needed conversation between us, and in n' out! yum!

here is a bit of a photo dump from the past five days or so, all from my phone. (including disneyland pictures, a couple days late.)

nathan, matt, myself, meg.

meg and i!

my faaavorite ride!

at seal beach!

close up.

awesome shirt my babe got me.

have a great week!

the weekend is our time,

2011-06-11T13:11:00.000-07:00

i have almost been here officially for two whole weeks. it still blows my mind! but i am missing people. especially knowing i am so close to so many important people in my life, but without a car and without unlimited airplane tickets. my best friend just flew in from texas a couple of days ago but is not as far south in cali as i am; my brother and sister in law are in arizona, which is miles closer than when i was in pa, but i'm still too far to just hop on a bus; one of the most amazing and inspirational women in my life is over in vegas; and my mom is flying to arizona next month and who knows if i'll get to see her. booo.

last night though, this "missing" phase began when i was with dan, praise the Lord, because i might have just fallen apart if he wasn't there to lead me in prayer and hug on me. on a happier note...

we went on a date tuesday night: to claim jumper for dinner (my first time ever) and then to the dollar theater to see battle: los angeles. i had been wanting to see that movie since before it came out and let me tell you, if you like intense action scenes with a high-stress plot, this movie is for you. thank goodness those are actually my favorite type of movies.

thursday i got to go to disneyland for the first time ever! i went with my dear friend meg, our friend matt, and his brother visiting from indiana. missy, the sweet girl who got us passes to get into disneyland, also hung out with us before and after her shift. it was such a fun group and such an amazingly magical day! check that off my summer list.